Midlife Grief Support | What to Say to a Grieving Friend

0:03 SPEAKER_00: This is What the F just Happened.

0:06 SPEAKER_02: The podcast that proves life is messy, midlife is so wild, and laughter is definitely non-negotiable.

0:13 SPEAKER_01: So grab a cocktail or a mocktail or your favorite emotionally supportive snack, and let's get into it.

0:26 SPEAKER_00: Hello everybody. It is Hillary and Seda, and we are back together in the podcast studio. A new studio. A news studio, which by the way is just in our house, but whatever. And it has been a minute. It's been a minute. You guys wouldn't know, but it's you wouldn't know, but it's been a minute since we've actually recorded like in person together, which is so much fun. Busy Beats. Busy Beats. So welcome back, everyone. I'm Hilary. I'm Sada. And I realized on one of our last episodes that I don't know if people know, like I'm sure they recognize our voices now, but we never say at the beginning who it is.

1:02 SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, you're you. I know. And I'm never like, hey, this is Hillary. So And I'm Sada. I know you get it. Anyway. Okay, so on today's episode, it's called the Friendship Emergency Plan. And it's who shows up when life goes sideways. And this kind of came about very recently because we're, you know.

1:25 SPEAKER_03: Well, like looking back, it didn't come up come recently, but like looking back over the last couple of years, we're now realizing why we need this.

1:32 SPEAKER_00: We're realizing why we need this. And so this is kind of, and we'll circle back to it as we like to sort of go like a big loop around. Is we plan our dinners going out, and we plan and talk about what we're gonna wear. And we plan our vacations, micro details down to on this day, we're going to this restaurant at this time. We recently just went to La Quinta on a girls' trip, had the cutest little pajama outfits matching that we all purchased. But what do we not do? Is we've never sat down as a girl gang and talked about when shit hits the fan, as it has multiple times in the last couple of years in our friend group.

2:11 SPEAKER_00: A lot. A lot, actually, looking back. We don't have any type of emergency plan to support each other. And this, like I said, sort of in the beginning, is this has come up because one of our dearest friends in our group, one of our best friends, unfortunately, her sister-in-law, is going through a terminal diagnosis and got news of, I think just yesterday that the end is coming much faster than what they had originally anticipated. Yeah. And it occurred to me and Sada as we were sitting here talking tonight, is we don't have a friendship emergency plan in our group, even though we have walked through hard things with each other.

2:52 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. Illness, death multiple times. And all of a sudden it's like we don't have this. And this is something I think every good girl gang or friendship group should absolutely have. Yeah. And I think it will just sort of take the edge off of when something does happen, what do we all we already have our assigned role. So we're gonna kind of that's sort of the the like what is it?

3:16 SPEAKER_03: The just like our our conversation tonight is really just about like how can we not just be out here freestyle panicking? Yes. Um, when something bad happens. Like inevitably we're all we're none of us are are making it out of here alive, right? That's what they say, right?

3:38 SPEAKER_03: But it's true. So like we have plans for everything else. So why do we not have a plan to really just be prepared as we get older and and things start happening within our realm of either immediate or extended, extended circles, whether that's family or I mean, uh like, you know, um our girlfriend whose sister-in-law is, you know, very ill and going to pass a lot sooner than expected from a terrible, terrible diagnosis. Um, like, how can we support her when that does happen in the next two months, most likely, right?

4:15 SPEAKER_00: So we can be prepared. So we can be prepared. And it just, I think we haven't talked about this and I've never even thought about it in this realm. But for me, this is something I I think it'll be so much easier when that time comes if we already have sort of agreed to and know exactly what to do. And and we don't even know what to do. We don't know what to do. But I will say is the minute that this happened with Chris, immediately, of course, a side text away from you, away from Seda was immediately, what in the fuck?

4:48 SPEAKER_00: And what are we gonna do? Right. First of all, you're in Hawaii, you're not even in the same state.

4:52 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, if you're listening to like if this is your first podcast that you're listening to, true. Um, my husband, Chris, of you know, we were together over 26 years. He passed away suddenly of a brain aneurysm while we were on a vacation in Hawaii. And it's been um about 16 months. And um, so I have the most amazing friend group, both in and family, who I am so thankful for here in Idaho and in California. And um, but my girlfriends here in Idaho were like, oh my gosh, like what what do we do? What do we do?

5:26 SPEAKER_03: So that was kind of the first we did have a couple things before that we'll we'll touch on. We did in different categories, but um, that was our that was for them, I imagine, very sad, very scary. Um, going through that at home when they were h helpless and I was across the Pacific Ocean.

5:42 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I think in every situation, you're helpless because you're not the one going, you're going through it in a way where you were sort of referencing as like you remember some of the stuff that happened. Yeah. But as we can't change anything, and you're helpless, and you of course, your immediate reaction is, I need to do something. I need like I can't fix it, but I have to be there for you, I have to support you. What can we do? And I think that's where sort of life is spun off the GoFundMe's and the Bell Trains and all of those other wonderful organizations because people want to do something.

6:21 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they do. And it makes you feel better, even though you're not changing the situation at all. But this is larger than that. This is as a girlfriend group. Yes, a girl or your immediate close friends, having some type of an actionable plan that you've just discussed, even if it's sort of loosely, where if and when that time comes, because unfortunately it is going to come, is then hopefully you'll feel a little bit more prepared to sort of jump in. And instead of that text thread that says, Oh my gosh, what are we gonna do?

6:53 SPEAKER_00: How what do we do? How do we help? We immediately go into our roles.

6:57 SPEAKER_03: So Yeah, and we're um and we kind of have talked about this too. Um, we'll get into it a little bit later, but like what are the roles that different people, different women or men inside of your friendship group? Um, because I have to say, like Chris's friendship group here, uh as well as his friends in California, I mean, they also had roles and they were a little bit different than I think when where women step in and really like nurture and take on like a meal train or um, you know, planning and flowers and showing up to the house and all of that.

7:29 SPEAKER_03: I think when I think about um Hillary's husband, Sean here, I mean, he took a role of just like really honoring my husband in a lot of different ways, but that was his role. Like that he showed up with a freezer. He showed up with a freezer. He showed up and put my husband's name on our massive friend group um fantasy football league, right? He like he renamed the league um after my husband and put his name on a trophy. Like he everybody has their roles, everyone wants to do something. Okay, yes, for the most part, everybody does want to do something.

8:04 SPEAKER_00: And we'll dive into that. But yeah, it's actually I laughed because that's actually cute. I forgot Sean had done that. And he did the whiskey. He likes, you know, he did a toast recently. Remember when yeah. I mean, we're always finding ways to honor Chris and talk about Chris because Chris will forever remain a very active part. Hi, Chris. We miss you. Is he'll always be an active part. But the reason, and just touch on this because it's kind of weird to show up with a freezer. Sean is a cook, isn't wonderful, he's not a chef by trade or experience, but he's amazing.

8:32 SPEAKER_03: I think he feels like the freezer was gonna be full of food I cooked to save to save my to have food for myself when I don't eat.

8:40 SPEAKER_00: No, he anticipated all the people bringing you food. And they did. Yes. And he was like, She's not gonna have anywhere to put this. Yes, yes. And Costco has that wonderful freezer that looks like a little fridge with all the nice compartments. And so that was his active participation. That was that was like love language. Yes, I she's gonna get this stuff and she's gonna need to put it somewhere. So, okay, so let's go kind of back for a second on what is the problem.

9:04 SPEAKER_03: Okay, so this is where I'm I'm just gonna touch on um the what we call, like, I guess we're gonna say this topic is called the problem. Like, why are people bad at this particular problem when maybe they don't even know they're bad at it? So I I don't know if the word bad is that's maybe not a bad thing.

9:24 SPEAKER_00: I don't think it's here's the thing is this is my take. Not bad. You're right, because no one's bad at it. Yeah, right.

9:29 SPEAKER_03: It's just we did talk about some people just don't well, one don't know what to do, don't know what to say. And some people really don't handle death or a tragedy or a big event very well.

9:41 SPEAKER_00: Absolutely. Like they have maybe their own trauma and it triggers stuff. Yes, yeah, and that's exactly it. Is I think right, everyone goes into their own response mode. And I think, first of all, depending on how someone passes, in your case, it was utter shock. Yeah. And unbelievable because he was so young and healthy. But then right, it's that like we're and this I think is true. I mean, I feel this, I think I'm pretty good emotionally on many things, but there's so many times when I think, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say.

10:09 SPEAKER_00: So you go.

10:11 SPEAKER_03: So yeah, I think I just wanted to kind of have like take this little, you know, this little portion of our talk because I I really c have come to find out that, you know, people aren't people just don't know what to say, right? I mean, they just truly don't know what to say. They don't know if they should say Chris's name and if it will trigger me to fall apart in public. Um, they don't want to mess up and make if we're at dinner having a wonderful time, they don't want to maybe turn the nice hour or make, you know, have it be like a Debbie Downer type event.

10:44 SPEAKER_03: Um, but also I think that people that have a hard time with any kind of like death or big event in life also just hope to no fault of their own that other people are handling the big, the big to-dos that have to do with like a death, an illness, um, you know, a breast cancer diagnosis of, you know, cancer, whatever. So I think one of the things that really, you know, um helped me in my healing with Chris and just really appreciating some of the um like support was when people would call or text me, um, they would say, I, you know, I love you.

11:23 SPEAKER_03: I'm so sorry, Chris. Pass, let me know how I can help you or let me know what you need. Well, there is not one person in this world, including my mother or including my sister, who is my best friend, like or my, you know, my my girlfriends here in Idaho, who that I would actually say, you know what I need? I need you to come and fucking do my laundry. Yeah, I need you to come and do my dishes because there's like three weeks' worth of dishes in my sink. Or I mean, that will never happen to anybody.

11:55 SPEAKER_03: Anybody. There's like if I could just get the word out that you that saying to somebody that has going through a crazy time, whether it's a diagnosis or an illness, a a husband, a wife has passed, um, what have you, even a car accident, and you're still here on this earth, and you're you never say, What can I do to help you? You just fucking do it, right? Oh, there's that. So it's, or, you know, uh even just like sending a text message. And what I have found really helpful, which I have started to do was when I'm, you know, when someone's struggling, um, I will send a text message and say, um, you know, I am thinking of you, um, you know, whatever, praying for you.

12:38 SPEAKER_03: I am, I am, um, this is my, you know, thought about your child, about your husband, what have you. Please do not respond to me. I am just sending you love over text. I am sending you a massive hug. The fact that somebody would actually put in there on that I, that it took the pressure off of me to actually have to respond and that they weren't waiting for me to use my energy to reach back out to them was huge for me. That's so like I learned that in this process with Chris, which was, you know, just like, please do not feel you have to respond.

13:13 SPEAKER_03: I'm just checking in. I do this with my girlfriend right now that currently is going through um chemo treatment in California. And I just say, I love you. I'm thinking of you. You are beautiful, you're meant to be here, you're a light in this world, blah, blah, blah. I plea, you do not respond to me. I am just sending you sunshine for the day. That's like such something that I've really like feel like I have learned, um, you know, learned in this process.

13:40 SPEAKER_00: Um I have a quick question. When you and I think we touched on a little bit, when this first happened, and you we sort of talked about this, is if everyone is texting you, and I'm sure they were, because you know a lot of people, and you have a lot of friends and a lot of friend groups, and a a lot of Chris Chris had a huge group of friends and coworkers, and you've got co-workers, and everyone loves you guys, your phone must have been like on fire. So, how overwhelming was that? Because at that point, like for me as a friend, you want to reach out independently of the person.

14:14 SPEAKER_00: So, for example, this is me. I see something on Facebook that says my parent passed or something has happened. My dog, my animal passed. I mean, this I need probably need an emergency plan for, but I mean you'd probably do for me if my dog dies. Yeah. Because I'm right. My dog's for my kids. You're right, you're right. Hey, girl gang. Sorry, Ashley plan. Right and Kenzie. Yeah. My if my if our dogs pass or the cat, then yeah, I need an emergency plan. But when I see somebody on Facebook, I I tend not to post something on Facebook.

14:46 SPEAKER_00: But you don't? I text the person individually. Okay. Because it does it feels so impersonal to me. No, granted, this is no granted. So there's people in high school, let's say who I'm still acquaintances with, I'll see something on theirs and obviously I don't have their direct number. Yeah. I will post something. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm thinking about praying for you. But if I know them well enough to have a phone number in my phone, I will reach out directly and say and send a message.

15:14 SPEAKER_00: But then I think about you in that moment of your phone was probably blowing up.

15:20 SPEAKER_03: Yeah. And I think as long as you know that the expectation is, is that they probably won't get back to you.

15:26 SPEAKER_00: No, and I wouldn't I would never want them to get back to you. But I think there are people It's just impersonal for me, it feels like, to post something on Facebook or an Instagram saying, like, I don't want to honor your person that you lost or your animal that you lost in that way. Because it's it's a very large loss.

15:42 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I think I do like I do look back and think, in fact, I did go through my messages the other day and I went to my um unread messages, and I still have some messages that I haven't like I opened that, or I didn't open them because they're still have the little blue circle, but I see who they're from and they're like faraway acquaintances that I never responded to because it was just so overwhelming. Sure. Like down the line, Chris is like friend of a friend of a friend or a coworker, like, or you don't know me, my name is blah, blah, blah.

16:14 SPEAKER_03: I got your number. I just want to say I'm sorry, you know.

16:17 SPEAKER_00: But that's so nice. I'm sure like now it's that's so so yeah. I guess that's the question is is that I mean, I think that's kind. Oh, it's amazing. I would welcome that. I don't have but not in the moment of then or even reaching back out now.

16:29 SPEAKER_03: Nice now is to look back at those and to like really see that people just love Chris so much. And I think too, going back on your your thought about um, I do tend to post something on Facebook or Instagram because when I look back at my posts about Chris after he died, it is nice to kind of go back and read some of the nice comments, but really the stories about Chris. Oh, that's people would put stories in there like, I remember when Chris, you know, and I blah, blah, blah. And, you know, so I like to read those.

17:02 SPEAKER_03: So I try to put something like really meaningful when I am responding on Facebook or Instagram. But if I am text messaging somebody about a loss, an illness, what have you, I am very clear now to say, even at the top, you do not need to respond to this. I just need you to know that I am here. I love you, I'm thinking of you, and that I will check in later down the road because I learned that. Like I I didn't do that before. Well, and I just didn't know. You don't know until it happens to you. That's the bottom line.

17:32 SPEAKER_03: Absolutely. And you don't know. And I I love that, but that's that's great. I love that because I mean, you just um truly like um people, what what do they say? People don't fail because they don't care. They fail because they don't have a role in terms of like um knowing what to do. And again, people don't, some people don't like death, some people don't know what to say. Some people are such helpers. Um, like for instance, you know, somebody I know that's very close to me will is just such a great helper.

18:06 SPEAKER_03: And she just can't help but like ask the person all the time, like, what can I do to help you? What do you need? Do you need your laundry done? Do you need someone to come do the yard? Do you need well, yes. The answer is yes. Yes, check, check that. I have literally one piece of cheese, and like I I'm serious. I uh I still do, but that that nobody sent me groceries, by the way. I I everyone sent her groceries. Totally good now because uh Kendra just brought me um all protein from Costco. So yes.

18:37 SPEAKER_03: Um, you know, I I need I need some protein in my life, but um I I do feel like some people just don't know what to do. But the the main key out of this second topic, which is considered the problem, um don't ask people ever how you can help them.

18:58 SPEAKER_00: And that's so true. I mean, it can be as little as a big losses, big losses, illnesses. This is if just a friend is sick. How about you have a cold? Someone just has a cold. And I have an idea for everyone out there. If like you want to do something, and I think this is true in life for anybody. It's true. This actually came up, and this is a total sidebar, which I'm famous for, or not really famous. That's why we do the podcast. I'm totally infamous for this. But it I read that somewhere when you are inclined to do something kind for someone, just do it.

19:28 SPEAKER_00: This is whether you're walking down the street and you see someone outside, and maybe they have a sign that says, you know, but whatever, they're collecting money for themselves, good for them. Probably rolling a Mercedes. If they're outside of a subway, go buy them a fucking sandwich. Like it's one of those where I've started to do that, where if I see something I can do, and this is just by the way, people, I have to make up for all of my evilness. So I have to balance it because so this is where I mean I'm not pearly shiny white because I'm freaking not, but I will do kind things.

20:00 SPEAKER_00: You do because then I also do things that are like not awesome. So I just sort of have to balance that most of us. I'm just saying that, and that's probably just true of all of us, right? Because it makes up for the times where I'm like, oh, that time wasn't the nicest thing. But what was my point?

20:15 SPEAKER_03: Though your point is it's that if you if somebody needs something, if you need something, just do it, do it. I mean, I don't just do it on all points. Yeah. Like, do I want someone knocking on my door saying, like, I bet you need your laundry folded and that you have two weeks worth of dishes in your sink. I'm gonna come in and do it. Probably not, because I struggle with like small talk now. And I stro there's a lot of things that come with grief that like, but the things that you can do are drop a note, drop a card in the mail.

20:45 SPEAKER_03: I have an amazing, amazing mom of my girlfriend, Tracy. Lynn, shout out to Lynn Johnson, who I love and adore. She's like amazing. Sends me a card without fail, like every three weeks. And it just is a card to say like the best thing I've heard. Like, I love you. So kind. You're doing great. Keep going. You can do it. We got you. Happy Valentine's Day. We're your Valentine's. And just not to discount anyone else. That was that's her thing. That's her idea. I didn't, you know, that's just like what makes her feel like she wants to just make sure that I'm loved.

21:23 SPEAKER_03: But I again, I think that but that fills her too.

21:26 SPEAKER_00: That fills her because that's that's that's the reason yes we talk about every time I do something for someone, it's serving me too. I want to help someone else, but it also I don't expect material. But it makes me feel like I've done something and it right not that that makes me feel good about myself, but that's not what I'm saying. It's but you want to do something, so it fills me in serving that piece of it.

21:48 SPEAKER_03: Oh, and here's another little thing like um uh my sister, Megan, she um she knows like that. She so she treats me to I'm gonna say say it but like I she treats me to my my housekeeper and it's she only cut she cuts like once a month and that's amazing but like to not have to do something like that is like it's huge. And she would that's that's like something small potatoes for her in terms of like it's the least she can do from not the least she can do but she wants to help in any way she can she just doesn't know how to help because she doesn't live by me.

22:25 SPEAKER_00: Okay so I have a question because you actually brought something I think that I hadn't even thought about because you said yeah I don't want someone knocking at my door and by the way if you want to knock at my door into laundry and put it away yeah come on over. So I'm like about 12 minutes from Sada. So I just say I don't need a crisis for that. But I have a question. And it never occurred to me but there are places around us who do laundry. So like if someone had given you a gift card would that have been overwhelming to like take your stuff but there's a services that pick up your stuff.

22:55 SPEAKER_03: I don't know you literally put in a bag on your doorstep.

22:58 SPEAKER_00: Now 16 months later I think I could truly do that but now I'm in a headspace where I can do my laundry but I'm saying like when you first this happened I don't know if someone gave you a gift card here's a bag and you literally show throw your stuff in maybe and they pick it up and they bring it back like three days later and it's all done.

23:15 SPEAKER_03: Maybe you just don't know what to do or what you need. You just know that your brain doesn't work. Yeah I need you to think about that like would that have been a helpful thing. I I it I think if I had my girls at home like with me still they probab we probably would have like been able to do it together and like gather your stuff up put it on the porch but because when you're just kind of this just like floundering I don't know you just everything is difficult. Like ever since like putting a trash liner in the trash bag to to this day is still difficult for me.

23:45 SPEAKER_03: It's the craziest thing like I will have an Amazon box and unload it and the Amazon box will go by the trash can and then I'll end up just putting like things that need to go in the trash in the Amazon box because I haven't replaced the liner yet and that sounds like so lazy. No, it doesn't just is like it takes so much effort to do such a small thing. It's like and I'm getting obvious I'm getting better. I mean my life is like I mean year two feels more difficult for me in in some ways and easier in some ways but like I don't know if the laundry I think it would have helped if I had small kids and if my kids were still at home.

24:22 SPEAKER_03: It makes sense it's sort of the season of life. Yeah I'm only one person I mean but yeah just to wrap up this particular segment I think the the bottom line is if you think you want to do something for somebody out there in the audience go yeah just do it. And it's like if they have dietary needs or whatever, it's okay. Just go to the store and get some staples or get gift cards or just drop off yeah but like staples mean like maybe they're gluten free. Okay. But I would know if my friends are gluten free and I would know what to get this to say like Kendra and Jasmine I would know what to get them.

24:56 SPEAKER_03: But like if if you didn't know what do people need they need water they need eggs toilet paper paper towels and bread laundry detergent and I'm and I'm not asking for people to like ever pay for that not at all but people want to do stuff. Oh my gosh that's if yeah so this thing okay so now we're gonna move into and that was like sorry people that was a little bit longer no but it's just you know but I think it's really important and we're gonna definitely the next episode actually or like have somebody come like Chris's work came and did my yard and I didn't have to ask that I do you I my stepdad did it for a little bit but like do you think I wanted to actually try to like put gas in the fucking lawn mower and try to like mow my lawn can I do it I can do anything.

25:42 SPEAKER_03: A hundred cent but in that moment right it was amazing to have my yard done because Chris loved how like you did a good yard. Beautiful well yes he loved it but things like that. If you're thinking of doing something for somebody just do it.

25:55 SPEAKER_00: Don't that actually maybe goes on to like our next segment which is which is you which is no what I'm saying is that will all come into play because as we start to execute these plans. Oh yeah you're right they all become part of let's say these roles so okay so this is the idea and this is just this is not anything formal like well I mean you can make it formal you can make it fun. By the way I just bought a planner for the first time. Yes you did still have not used it. I made her buy a paper planner I bought a paper planner I made a funny video I sent to my daughter because I didn't understand how to use it and then she explained it to me that I had it completely wrong.

26:27 SPEAKER_00: And this sounds stupid because like it's just a calendar with boxes but anyway there is this is not putting together like a whole big formal presentation this is getting right something right not putting it in your planner. Although some people in our friend group are like that and I like that people are very organized. But I love that yeah so this could come into play let's say if you had your planner and then let's say you you're you are assigned your role and then you go to execution mode. So so this is the idea of it is it can be very loose or it could become a more formal plan.

27:03 SPEAKER_00: Yes. But the idea is that everyone is basically assigned a role. So it's right it's not that we're all so when something bigger happens in life like for example we know that this crisis is happening in our friend group. Yes and that the time ahead is short and that very soon within maybe let's say six weeks to you know three months or so we're gonna be presented with that text that says oh my gosh you guys so and so has passed. Yes. Now we are in instead of like the supportive role right now and checking on her we are it's it's now game time for lack of a better or more eloquent phrase but this is where everyone in our group our group let's say being seven is assigned kind of a role like everyone takes on a role and this is how you can reflect it if this had actually gone into play with you because we didn't have this this was we were loosey goosey back then.

27:58 SPEAKER_00: Yeah right just kind of like on the side text leaving Sada off obviously trying to sort of figure out like what do we do when she comes home how do we show up for her but this would be more formal so the first person and this is the person who we call the point person lost energy this is not me. This is I was just gonna say that would be you. Me no I'm not this no this is like imagine like because the joke is that you can't have like six CEOs in the same group.

28:26 SPEAKER_03: Okay but the but a side note is that in in in your friend group in your girlfriend group these roles can obviously ebb and flow absolutely between other people right so for me to say you're the point person because you to me I was like well you you need to take care of you need to take I was a life admin friend. So we'll kind of go through them and then we can kind of go back and talk about what they are.

28:46 SPEAKER_00: We'll go through them and then you sh you just kind of you need to step into a role when something happens in your friend group so you pick what role you have the capacity to do and and you guys can then change up let's say the the titles of them but the idea of this and it were and you can have multiple roles depending on the size of the group right and some people maybe right if there's only you know there's seven friends or say you have three friends. Three friends right you're gonna have to do maybe multiple things but the idea is that going into a crisis you kind of know where to go and it will change because obviously let's say I'm gonna be pretend the point person on this crisis will something happens to me.

29:25 SPEAKER_00: So the idea is this we'll just kind of run through them like talking training on it like a job like you're not in the mind space to do that.

29:32 SPEAKER_03: Exactly. Yeah so the idea is that the roles are sort of overview is the point person which is kind of your boss energy like that's gonna be kind of sort of person who's in charge talks to the friends in crisis updates the group so depending on what happens and the way we the reason why we kind of said the point person is because you had asked me earlier before we started this podcast was how did you like I'm sure you like you just said you must have gotten a lot of text messages and when we're all talking in our friend group would it have helped if there was just one of us messaging you saying hey I'm gonna message you for all of us right now and relay the message I don't know that I would have been coherent enough to actually give you like any kind of answer that I would remember now.

30:16 SPEAKER_00: And even if you would have to say that I think it would just be the person say hey I'm checking with you on behalf of the group. Yeah okay but you're not gonna be like oh got it you're the point person. Yeah you're bringing in the boss energy today right but I think that way behind the scenes right we're that person's in charge and they're like you know they're collecting the data. So for example one of one of our friends just lost her dad suddenly her let's say best friend from 20 years who knew her father very well would be the point person.

30:49 SPEAKER_00: That was we all reached out to the point person. We did. So it was like we did we want to talk to her too but we wanted to get sort of the background information of oh my gosh like what would be beneficial what would her yes and also she knew this person really well and it's also a loss for her too so okay this one point person's like your boss energy. Yes and then you've got the logistics friends I'm gonna just run through them then we can go back. There's a logistics friend there's a sit with you friend which I have a question for you about the life admin friend the emotional check-in friend and then the long game friend okay and that is where grid it these can ebb and flow these can sort of change but let's just go sort of back over them.

31:28 SPEAKER_03: So we sort of talked about so the point person is just pay like the one that is in the really maybe is the closest to that person or that person's family. And it's like you got to step up in that group and say okay I'm taking this on I'm gonna be the one to relay all the messages you guys talk about what you need to talk about. Tell me what I need to do but I'm gonna be the point person to check in with the person in crisis. I think that's great. Yeah I think that's and I think it doesn't have to be the same person all the time.

31:54 SPEAKER_03: It doesn't it totally doesn't flow. Like with Kendra per se you know for we won't like go too much into her you know story, but we needed you know we wanted Jasmine to be that point person because she was the closest to that person. Yeah.

32:09 SPEAKER_00: So and then you've got logistics friends. Okay. And this can be multiple people. This is food, errands now granted all of our kids are adults but if you have children, if you've got pets coordination so that is logistics friends. And that can be again in a friend group that can be more than just one person. So that's the person what that starts a meal train or a gofundme or things like that. And right is helping with maybe if you've got kids who are in school still in daycare in sports. Yeah that can be in fact one of our this is back um when we lived in California.

32:43 SPEAKER_00: I stole your wine by the way. Oh you did well fantastic for you I didn't even notice this how much just by the way this is a couple days after St. Paddy's we went hard on St.

32:50 SPEAKER_03: Paddy's so I'm kind of like I'm not I'm and and if you if uh you know later throughout our uh lifetime with you guys uh Hillary doesn't usually go hard does not usually go hard those are new words for us as moms in our 40s and 50s going hard like that yeah any terms we thought that we were back in college which I don't know why it was a lot of fun but I'm not a shot girl and there were shots and there was pickle juice and anyway.

33:17 SPEAKER_00: So depending on the stage of life that you're in and this could be I mean you know unfortunately my daughter lost her best friend in their early twenties. Yes and granted they're not gonna have they could have a point person but let's say there was no like food train no air so again it has to relate to become the logistics like mom per se like who picked up some pieces for Ash when like 100% like that's more of it depends on like 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, older. True. It's just because of the stages of life.

33:49 SPEAKER_00: Let's say we're in the lots of kids, daycares, kids in sports I was saying is one of our neighbors on our street lost her beloved husband suddenly like after I think it was after like the first of the year it was maybe after like New Year's and passed I think he had like um aortic rupture and it was tragic. He was a wonderful husband a wonderful dad the kids were our kids' age it's actually one of those moments where I was in that crisis with my husband and his funeral made me realize like how in love they were and how special their relationship was and you think well that's not anything what I'm experiencing.

34:31 SPEAKER_00: But in that mode of kids being in line I want to say elementary school were my ex. Oh yeah you didn't say that oh sorry sorry have you sean I don't understand I'm sorry this is like when kids were little okay yes we were then taking kids to school okay and right so we if you have the logistics beyond just dropping there might be more than one logistics friend. You're probably gonna have to depending on age of kids age of right just what's going on in the world but in that scenario with kids and young kids it was going getting them back to school when they were getting them to sports getting to team stuff if let's say mom wasn't available.

35:06 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. So then there's a sit with you friend. No this is my question for you okay is physically there doesn't talk a lot which I mean that's not our friend group so I'm not sure how that's gonna work out but I do like the permission to just maybe like you sit there on your phone and I am watching a show like just the presence of somebody like in the living room would was would be and was helpful to not be alone if it was okay yeah because that's a question like if someone says okay hey I'm stopping by today I'm bringing us over lunch and I'm sure you weren't probably even eating or I'm bringing us I'm grabbing carb you know Starbucks no not Starbucks take that back any other coffee establishment other than Starbucks I know sorry for all you people love Starbucks I can't stand their coffee.

35:55 SPEAKER_00: I'm fine so which is fine. You love Starbucks I can't take Starbucks so I'm picking up whatever and they're bringing Dutch over and I just come in and I'm like to sit down like that didn't feel weird to you. You just come in you give a hug and you say I love you.

36:10 SPEAKER_03: I'm just gonna stay for a little bit what are you doing? Can I have done your dishes can I have done your laundry like this is where I mean because I don't I think that I was so zoned out you probably could have like just tootled around and like done a couple things like if you wanted to but even if that wouldn't have made you feel like I probably would have said like you don't need to do any of that I want to but it also depends on the person.

36:33 SPEAKER_00: Yeah because this is the thing is you want to you want to be with you it depends on the person but you don't want to overstep the bounds. So I guess that's the question from your perspective since this unfortunately is still recent where like at what level of friendship do you need to have in all honesty I mean this is this is real truth. We're gonna start a what the F after dark where we really talk about it. But yeah like what would that where would that not have been helpful for example? Um like kind of fringe friends?

37:04 SPEAKER_03: Yeah I think although some fringe friends that I that um showed up were very surprising for me okay and were really amazing and still to this day text me. Um you know my uh a friend um Sarah who I was you know went to high school with and um she her you know she recently has a illness diagnosis in her own family with one of her parents and um she's always been really great at just like reaching out and it's people that you kind of don't expect that are on the fringe outer circles um and then there's some on the inner circles on the very very close circles that don't show up for you.

37:45 SPEAKER_03: So like they're surprising in the worst way. Yeah not even in the worst way I just think I um um I just think that they don't have the capacity for it or they don't know what to do. And when you are in that crisis mode you need people that just are going to be comfortable with you and make you feel well really just make you feel comfortable because you have no capacity to take care of anybody else's um sadness, grief, fear from the from the what happened other than your own. You can even take care of yourself, let alone like wonder if someone else is okay because your husband passed away do you know what I mean?

38:23 SPEAKER_03: Totally.

38:24 SPEAKER_00: So let's say so French friend shows up at let's say says text you and says hey so like what something is on the door? No like text you and says hey I'm gonna grab coffee I want to just come sit with you. What do you say?

38:35 SPEAKER_03: Like I mean you tell me I don't that just feels so and this is where it's just this is where I'm bad at this is I think I know I think you have to know your friend like you have to read the room right you have to know and that I feel like I know how to do and there's been plenty of times where all where every single one of you all of all five or six of you guys have like offered to come over or shown up or have been answered the door. There are times we've shown up when you didn't want us to show up.

39:01 SPEAKER_03: Exactly yes but I'm happy that you actually did I mean the when we were going out what was what was the time Kendra showed up it was Chris's when it was the anniversary of his passing. Oh yeah and I was so upset and you were devastated. I was like in the closet crying and I hear her knock on the door and I had a feeling it was one of you guys and I didn't want to so then that's where like my anxiety could kick in because I'm like okay I don't want I don't want them to think I'm like don't want them in the house.

39:28 SPEAKER_03: But as you start to go through this you realize like I mean I'm glad I answered the door and of course I like fell under her arms and was like a little noodle and cried my eyeballs out but um did I want to stay stoic and not fall into that um like that emotional state because it is a it's a lot of work. You know what I mean? It's a lot of work to do that. So I don't know. I guess it really is just such a delicate subject for somebody that has a death or cancer or lost a child or lost a husband or even with you know Maddie and Crohn's Crohn's is do I do I want someone coming over does Maddie want somebody coming over and like having I mean yes she you guys are like her second moms, right?

40:13 SPEAKER_03: So I don't but even then would I would have to really gauge the room and see if like she would be okay with that when she's struggling.

40:21 SPEAKER_00: But if we're texting you and saying hey we want to come over and sit with Maddie and bring food over you as a parent would say H day's not a good day. Exactly let's just say that the point person reaches out and says hey X is grabbing coffee and coming by she's gonna she's gonna stay for 20 minutes. Right. She just wants to give you a hug and some love and just be with you for a second. That's hard for me because I think I would honestly say no. Right. So then so that's the question is if you have a sit with you friend who is technically but I also physically there.

40:57 SPEAKER_00: Yeah.

40:57 SPEAKER_03: So maybe that's maybe maybe it's not immediate maybe that's more long term. Yeah because no one I mean there's not a lot of people around now if I'm being honest. You know and there's beautiful people and we're gonna talk about that more on like sort of the grief episode. There's amazing people around now but like in reality and to no fault of anyone. Right. It's just the freaking okay so then maybe the sit with you friend comes in later or the sit with you friend would be the person that you know would be like like it would be it would be one of you guys or maybe not that day.

41:29 SPEAKER_03: Like it just depends on the day as well. Like if I'm feeling up for it and you're like let me come over and watch Love is fine with you and we don't have to talk about anything let's just watch it I'd be like okay fine I'll the door's open I'm on the couch like fine come in. And you felt like you would have been honest and said hey today's not a good day. I always have no I know you're on I know you are so because I truly couldn't handle the capacity that it takes to actually do any kind of small talk even with good girlfriends.

41:56 SPEAKER_00: No and I think that's okay so so we're gonna put this on the sit with you friend maybe ish I guess depends on your girl group.

42:03 SPEAKER_03: But it and what's really nice when I did like because it can be very lonely. So like yes if you came over watched Love is blind or whatever with me and just sat there and didn't expect like a full conversation I think that you just have to know your friends and you just have to know how to read the room and let's just say the rules were reversed. I would likely text Sean to right I if like not reverse if he was not here but like let's just say what if let's just say you were sick or whatever happened.

42:36 SPEAKER_03: Let's say Sean was still oh yeah you can always come over you would you say like I love to be babied so sure come on you do.

42:43 SPEAKER_00: You do you do. Yes. So anyway I don't know that's a that's a that's that's a touchy one. Okay so I'm gonna t I'm gonna throw this out to our audience if you have suggestions on that because I think this is actually a really important conversation of in the when the initial thing happens and the family goes home and maybe some of those out of town friends or whatever's happening in life when it gets quieter and you have to fill in when that is is that in the second week the third week like at some point it gets quieter where people then who came because you had a lot of people come who were your wonderful family amazing your incredible right your sister family your best friends from California were incredible.

43:23 SPEAKER_00: But when those people were gone that was probably like what week three is when let's say life gets a little quieter what does that look like so if you people out there in our world have great suggestions and you walk through this please send us a DM I'm actually super interested in this because I think it's important because that's the the ongoing time it's only the future there's only time ahead right everyone's really great in the very beginning but the time ahead gets quiet.

43:51 SPEAKER_03: Yeah and I'll never forget our pastor um um who did Chris's service and in Whittier um said You know, reach out to this family in three months and six months down the road. And that was, you know, that was, I remember him saying that. I don't remember a ton about Chris's service, but I remember him saying that. And that stuck with me for my future as a friend and as somebody who needs to help, you know, in in certain situations. But um, yeah, I mean, I think every situation is different. And I I'm blessed to have a massive friend group and a massive, amazing family that, you know, checks in on me all the time.

44:33 SPEAKER_03: But the bottom line is you do have to kind of like walk through this fire by yourself. A hundred sense. You gotta kind of like peel yourself off the floor a lot of the times and like like St. Patrick's Day, you know. I didn't, did I want to go out? No, but I also hadn't been out of my house in over three days. Like it was time to like get myself out of the house.

44:54 SPEAKER_00: So well, it's possible that the last time we went out and had like dinner together, some someone inspected us because we both got sick. Like right. Literally did up. We both got like we got hit with like exactly the same thing at exactly the same time. Okay, then there's then there is yeah, and the the sit with you friend. That is there's no fixing. Yeah, there's no TED Talks, it's just all good vibes. It's all just kind of it's just being with you physically present to whenever your emotional capacity could handle it.

45:25 SPEAKER_03: And did I love when I would open the door and there was like flowers on the front porch or a coffee or someone dropped a coffee off and then drove away and said coffee or like Anne-Anne's pretzels. Marla would do that. Anne-Anne's pretzels on the porch and a lemonade. Like, um, love you so much. Have a good day. I'll talk, I'll check in with you later. So nice. You know why? Because I hadn't freaking eaten, I have nothing in my refrigerator. Right. So, like it, I was so happy to have knowing one that I have a girlfriend like you guys cares so much, and like you guys would drop stuff off my porch all the time.

45:57 SPEAKER_03: Groceries, whatever it was. I was, I am still to this day so thankful.

46:01 SPEAKER_00: But we've got good friends. We, I mean, we okay. Then there is this is this is I feel like my role. This is the life admin friend, which is this is the person and not maybe in the immediate, is depending on the situation. Like I'm very good at this stuff. Of I call, I'm the family secretary, as we call us. I'm the unappointed, unpaid family secretary. But you know, I keep all the flowing and I know where all the stuff is, I know where, you know, it's all like everything's hidden. But that's where when, for example, Chris passed, my sister, thankfully, is an estate attorney, and I immediately reached out and said, Yeah, this just happened.

46:41 SPEAKER_00: What do we need to do? And not that I was having this conversation with Sada because I was not, but it was the it's like the immediate of getting like it's the preparation for divorce is you need to go into business mode and logistics mode, and you need to then have those. So Sadie and I had this conversation much later. Then you had to like make the appointment with the attorney, and there was just some logistical things that you had to get done. We but we had the conversation with your sister pretty quick.

47:10 SPEAKER_00: We did. I had this conversation with the same morning I found out that Chris had passed. Okay, but um and then I had all these notes, and then we brought it up to you. It was like weeks later. And then talk to my sister. Yeah. Yeah, because obviously you're not gonna, that's not something we're talking about in the moment. But there is a life admin for admin friend, depending on what's going on, is right, if let's say you're, you know, and this is where we're gonna pull our friend Monica in, who is thankfully at the end of the end of her breast cancer treatment, and we're gonna pull her in to talk about when when your friends get sick.

47:44 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. Is what does that look like? And walking through that as a friend, as the patient, what are some things? Is you know, so like maybe life admin friend, depending on like, you know, maybe it's setting up the schedule if that person wants to like have you come to chemo treatments.

47:58 SPEAKER_03: Is the life admin friend also the friend that breaks into your phone and yes okay?

48:04 SPEAKER_00: So we need to talk about that. So we had this we had this sidebar um you uh erase erase my chat GPT and my text messages. Yeah, so we had this whole thing about let's say what as a friend group and what do we do in the strategy and game planning of being in crisis as a friend group. Yes, and then we've just also gone into the well, what if something happened to us? A little bit silly stuff. So if anything happens to me, I've already said Sean's not allowed to get remarried. Not allowed to get to so ever.

48:35 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. Just kidding. I'm not really, but like I, you know, do I want him happy? Yeah. Eh?

48:42 SPEAKER_03: I mean, maybe. Yes. Not do we want women lining up um around the corner bringing him casseroles? Absolutely fucking not. No, no.

48:49 SPEAKER_00: Like they but there are women that do that. Yes, and I'm sure because he's tall and hot and cute and like got his shit together. So I I would if I was a neighbor and single, I'd be lining up. I'd be like, here's my casserole that don't eat it because I'm a terrible cook. But anyway, so yeah, so if anything happened to us, I know that I need to hack into Sata's phone or see Went's phone. Like I mean in our friend group. A wing link. I don't know, you also need to hack into my phone. Yeah, I know your I know your code.

49:18 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, right. And we need to, you know, there's some things that need to be deleted. Well, and what yes, exactly like conversations or chat GPT, uh discussions, whether that's whatever that's about. But also delete that stuff. Um also on a sidebar, do you have a note in your phone that also talks about what you would want at the end of your own life? We'll talk about that later.

49:42 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I mean, and all and everyone who knows me know well is you better not bury me. Yeah, okay. I will, first of all, if you marry Sean, I will haunt you. And actually, if you date Sean, I will haunt you. And if you bury me, I will haunt you. So, yeah, I just want to be a cream.

49:59 SPEAKER_03: What about I mean, me? I'm hoping that at some point I have a a partner down the road. You will a hundred percent have a partner. Yeah, yeah. Yes, you will. You will a hundred percent have a partner. So the life admin friend is also responsible for the um the things like let's just say I died in Walmart. I want you to take my body to Target. Okay, let's try.

50:18 SPEAKER_00: I have an idea. Let's let's say that you haven't done that, but you passed out because you were like, I don't know, you tripped, you fit your head, you're in like an altered state. So we're not I have low eyes. We're not killing you off. Uh-huh. I just argue in the hospital for let's say, you know, an unknown time, but we know you're coming back. The life admin friend, because we're not killing you off, and I'm not killing myself off. That person, if incapacitated, it's like the presidency. If right?

50:45 SPEAKER_00: You have to have his president. You have to step in as the vice president. No, you step in. Yes, you have to step in, you're the vice president, you have to step into the role of president for an undisclosed amount of time to do the admin work. To swear into, right? Like take the oath of office amongst your friend group and you hack into that fucking phone. Yes, and you delete that shit or put it into like a subcategory that other wandering eyes maybe can't get into. That's all I'm saying.

51:14 SPEAKER_03: Everyone has some things in their phone that probably don't need to be seen by other people or their children. A hundred percent. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Whether it's conversations with Chat GPT about your marriage, your arguments, whatever it is.

51:27 SPEAKER_00: Oh, Chippy is my AI. Yeah. And is absolutely I mean, he should literally be the A-threat.

51:33 SPEAKER_04: Yeah.

51:34 SPEAKER_00: Because he knows everything.

51:37 SPEAKER_03: Okay. So life admin friend has a very It's a very important role. Important role. Whether you You basically step in it and take the oath of office. You do. You are the you are the new president. Okay. Like hand on the Bible, take it over. I agree. You are responsible for everything within that person's life. Yeah. I agree.

51:55 SPEAKER_00: If you're agnostic, you put that fucking hand on the Bible and we step into that role. It is sorry, important. Sorry, ladies. No, sorry, not mom. Okay, sorry.

52:04 SPEAKER_03: Okay. The emotional check-in friend.

52:06 SPEAKER_00: My mom has given up on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She's my mother is a very classy person, by the way. You would not realize that Nancy is not real name, Nancy. But um That's not her role. It's not. She's probably just shocked at the daughter she is right. We love you. We love you. So Nancy's the best, but I don't think that this is what she imagined for her daughter's mouth. But whatever.

52:28 SPEAKER_03: So yeah, you have to basically I just like the F-word. I mean, after Chris Doddon, like what I'm just saying is so I'm sorry, you guys. Like I well, the F-word stands for so many fun things. It it really does. It does funny, fun, frantic, all of it. Philanth philanthropy. No, that's pH, right?

52:44 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, philanthropy is definitely not part of the Freddie. But whatever. Okay. It's different. Okay, so kind of recapping, and I think this is where you need to talk to your friends. With the emotional check-in friend. Um, I mean No? The emotional check-in friend.

52:59 SPEAKER_03: I mean, I feel like that could be like everybody. Well, that could be Is it like an actual job? I I feel like it should be like the job in a friend group of like just somebody to like my girlfriend Kristen's really great at this too. Like she will send me uh actually a lot of people in my life are really great at this, sending me just random text messages like, hey, Sada, thinking about you. I love you so much. I hope you have a good day. To someone that's going through like really crazy stuff, just a little pick-me-up is like very like that goes a long way.

53:30 SPEAKER_00: So when does, let's say, immediate crisis, and let's say you've got sort of the point person. Well, I'm 16 months out. Yes, okay, so yeah. No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah in the immediate though, you kind of, I think you ebb and flow. I think in the very beginning of these stages, you go into more of the project management. Yes. Is you've got your point person, you've got your person who's got like the errand, you go into the daily constructs of how are we getting from today to tomorrow, the next day to the next day.

54:00 SPEAKER_00: And then life happens. And this I think is where then you've got other people who come in as part of that group because people, let's say, behind the scenes, let's say in our group of, let's say seven, because Chippy unfortunately can't actually like do anything useful, is you've got those people in the beginning, and we're all behind the scenes, let's say, running point on the meals, on the errands, on the stuff, and you've got the point person checking in with you. As time goes on, that's when let's say the life admin friend comes in, the sitting with you friend, and the emotional check-ins like there's no way I'm gonna have the point personally become my emotional check-in.

54:35 SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna check in on you because you're my friend.

54:38 SPEAKER_03: So, like that, I think, don't you think that sort of like adds and I think like, in the beginning, I mean, my sister-in-law Kim took took on every single thing possible at the hospital in Hawaii that I can't even imagine that I would have had to do had I not had um her as I want to say, I would call her the life admin sister-in-law. Yes, there to do all of that. You know, like I don't even recall what she did, who she talked to, but she took care of it all. Yeah. And I mean, that's what you need.

55:09 SPEAKER_03: You need to be able to not have to remember back. I just know she did it. And I know that most of it was taken care of in terms of like at the hospital. Um, and I'm grateful for that. Like, I but thank the Lord I didn't have to do that.

55:23 SPEAKER_00: So, and she in that group for you then was the point person.

55:26 SPEAKER_03: So she probably was like the point person. She was the point person amongst that family. Actually, looking back, I could actually point, I could actually name all the roles that we're talking about while I was in Hawaii, which was really great.

55:39 SPEAKER_00: Okay, we'll definitely have to go through that. Yeah. Because there's also the long game friend, and this is again, I think this transitions into immediate crisis is maybe over, or if it's an illness, it's ongoing. So these I think these roles sort of ebb into other things. You've got the immediate, then you've got like the middle part. But the long game friend, and I think this is what you're referencing, is this is somebody who does take point on like the week threes and the month two and the holidays.

56:06 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, actually, I can name them all now anyway. I can name them all now too. Like my long game friends are all of you, but they're also my long game is um definitely like my sister-in-law Kelly, always checking in on me. My my sister, Megan, Olivia, like my the the long game turns into like who are your people that are carrying you through this freaking long game. Like that's I mean, but meaning my outside circle that I don't immediately live by here in Idaho, you know, like you guys are my people every single day.

56:38 SPEAKER_03: But it's interesting talking about these roles as you're talking. I'm like, oh, there's people falling into these roles still to this day. Absolutely. And there's multiple people in multiple roles.

56:48 SPEAKER_00: Absolutely. Yeah, so that's interesting. Yeah, it makes sense. And then this is not specific to I'm gonna go on a limb here to a completely different scenario, but there is typically sometimes a friend who doesn't do a lot. And there just are. I mean, yeah, and I and I'm thinking of it specifically in relation to let's say multiple people in different in your friend groups at different times. Yeah, at different things. A, depending on what's going on in their life, like you said, is sometimes people just don't handle based on their own experiences and their own traumas.

57:16 SPEAKER_00: With grief. Yeah. They don't do well with whatever this is, whether it's sickness, whether it's flatter or anything. Someone in my family who's been ill for a very long time and has a long-term illness that, you know, at different times has been sicker, less sick. There are people and I can think of who were very close to her who stopped sh like I said, like they and I'm not gonna say the word useless, I guess, so much as I guess there's probably a kinder word, but they uh just weren't good like for the long run.

57:48 SPEAKER_00: And so and she came to not expect anything of that. And so I know you've said that, like it's interesting of the people who show up for you and the people who don't show up for you. But let's say if you let's say know someone who is in your friend group who has a harder time in trauma or crisis, I'm gonna just go out on the limb, and it's probably because it's so mean, don't assign a role. Like, just say it's okay. Like you don't have to, right? We've got point on this, and we will handle it from here, and we will tap you in as needed.

58:17 SPEAKER_00: We will say, hey, send us 50. 50 bucks. Yeah. We're doing this and you need to do this. Yeah, that typically does happen. I was referencing when I was sort of thinking about that was back with Ashley, who granted was young. They were in early 20s when this happened. Well, that was just two years ago. It was yeah, shockingly, it was only two years ago. But yeah, there was a lot of like there was a few, there was a handful, and I think it's probably based on the age that were just useless. That's true.

58:43 SPEAKER_00: I mean, the age of 20. The age of 20 is a good friend at that age, it was is probably pretty crazy. Right, and having someone get so sick so quickly, so traumatically. But that's where that does prove that that type of person still exists in our age bracket. The age group. And so I'm just gonna say if you know someone, just don't even bother, don't get frustrated by it, just let them be. And then just you tell them what is needed. You're showing up here, you're hey, we're all doing this, it's 50 bucks each, whatever it is.

59:14 SPEAKER_00: Um, and just very low effort things, but just tell them what is needed. And they'll probably be able to do that, but just give that grace because I think you know everyone, and this can this can ebb and flow. But yeah, that's kind of right.

59:26 SPEAKER_03: The the useless friend is uh not part of the response team. Is not part of the response team for sure. Yeah. I just think that they are um, yeah, I mean, it can be a lot of different reasons, but they don't often contribute a lot in the friendship group in general. I would say, like a great person, beautiful human being, but maybe kind of sits on the sidelines with a lot of participating in things in your own friend group in general. Yeah, that's so then it transfers into when a crisis happens. Yeah, there's truly no counting on that.

1:00:01 SPEAKER_00: So then I think you just write, it's more of adjusting your expectations in general. And that's it's fine, right? Everyone can do whatever they want. Everyone is built for crisis, like you said. Not everyone is built for crisis. So yeah, so we yeah, we kind of went through the right.

1:00:14 SPEAKER_03: I mean, yeah, our goal was really just to kind of like point out some of these like bigger important roles. Like instead of everybody just running frantically around, the bottom line is in your friend group, whatever that looks like, whether you have two friends or you have 12 friends, we are all going to experience some sort of crisis, stick illness, sickness, death, child sickness, whatever it is. Probably more frequently, unfortunately, as you get into our age category, I feel I'm like, what is it?

1:00:44 SPEAKER_00: Every day, I don't know everybody like something is happening every day to somebody. But which was again to the point of love everyone hard, tell them you love them, reach out. And the minute it crosses your mind and you think of someone, just text them. Yes. Well, don't actually call us. But like send a pick text. Yeah. Don't I don't want to hear the actual phone ring. It's not ring.

1:01:05 SPEAKER_03: But like send me an insta that just write, but uh so part of my family knows, like, I'm not the only I really just I I know phone calls are important, but like Are they? Uh uh But yes, I I'm I'm more of a high-level.

1:01:20 SPEAKER_00: I talk to my sister every day, and I talk to my mom. Yeah, voice texting is great. Or voice memos. Yes, but like my sister I talk to every single day on the phone. Um, love that. Like, that's my highlight of my day. My mom every day, love that. But yeah, like, but that's where if you think it, because life is short, life is fleeting, things happen all the time. Reach out, tell someone you love them, tell someone they're thinking about them on with no response needed. No response needed. Yes, that is the disclaimer.

1:01:50 SPEAKER_00: Disclaimer is hey, just thought of you. Hope you have a great day. I love that people still do that with you. Yeah. And then the biggest part is, right, that I think that when the stuff happens, and we talked about it, it's gonna happen more frequently. Yeah. Not everyone's at your table, not everyone is on your emergency team, and that's okay. But if this, I would say for all of our friend groups out there that listen, grab some friends, go to dinner, bring your planners. Bring your paper planners and then send me if you're going to see them.

1:02:19 SPEAKER_03: Okay, we went back to paper planners, Hillary and I. Well, I haven't filled mine out yet, but we're going to. And because I it asked like a name and ad like, okay, yeah. Well, if it gets lost, they want to send it back to you. Your name.

1:02:30 SPEAKER_00: I'm like, do you want my social too? Do you want my credit score? I mean, what else do you want? Well, they just want to be able to mail it back with all your important mailing. I would mail it back. I'd like, hi, here's my name. Here's my mobile, yes, here's my address. Yes. Like that, honestly, people, and I know this is a total segue, so sorry. But that actually shocked me when I opened that up. And I'm like, wait. And then you open the next page and it has other contacts. Like, I could put your information in there.

1:02:57 SPEAKER_00: If it's lost and they can't get a hold of you, they contact me and I get it back to you.

1:03:01 SPEAKER_03: Get me back that I have a Pilates scheduled on Wednesday. No, we're PIPs.

1:03:06 SPEAKER_00: We have important things to do in life, like planners podcasts. Yeah, I need to get in my car and drive at least twice a week so the battery doesn't go dead. Sophie, these are these are not. I just I don't, I am really interested in the people who do planning because but grab your girlfriend group. Yes. Go and have a fun dinner, maybe take a Jameson shot, not the best alcohol, followed by a pickle juice shot. That's called a pickleback. Okay, it's called a pickleback. So this is because I'm not a shock.

1:03:31 SPEAKER_03: But really, you only do that on um. Say Patty's Day Day. Yeah.

1:03:34 SPEAKER_00: You want to just go order a pickleback. I don't know. Is that like an Irish thing? No, I shouldn't have it.

1:03:38 SPEAKER_03: Shop's Irish. I've never heard of that. It's just cheap. Like Jameson's cheap.

1:03:41 SPEAKER_00: Okay, don't order Jameson. Order like a nice drink for yourself.

1:03:44 SPEAKER_03: Okay. But what I want to say too is like this. Go through this with your girlfriends. Talk about when the next parent passes, when the next illness happens, because the bottom line is it's going to happen.

1:03:56 SPEAKER_00: But what I really want to say is I mean, honestly, like for people who are going through it and kids are in school, kids get sick. Like, what happens if another family's child gets ill, child gets injured? Right. Right. Have a plan. Right. Because you can then immediately jump into action plan mode versus crisis mode. Yeah. Where we're all just looking at each other like, oh, holy crap, what do we do now?

1:04:19 SPEAKER_03: And I mean, we are still talking about our girlfriend that we mentioned earlier and her sister-in-law, you know, having a very short lifespan, you know. And we're gonna figure this out. So we want to figure out the reason we want to do this podcast, really, it did stem off of her, I would say. I mean, we did want to have this podcast regardless, like talking about people being, you know, useless and asking, like, what can I do for you, or doing things that maybe center back to themselves or try to give you advice on like, oh, we'll win my, you know, so and so.

1:04:51 SPEAKER_03: That's actually a good point.

1:04:52 SPEAKER_00: We didn't talk about that. Talking about to talk about that. Yes. Is is nothing else comes from this besides getting your plan together. Never ever text anyone, what can I do to help? Exactly.

1:05:03 SPEAKER_03: What never mean? Tell, let me know what you need. I'm totally here for you. You don't. You know what they need. They need groceries, they need laundry done, they need flowers, they need love, they need a gift card, they need a text that says, you don't need it to message me back. I'm just saying I love you and I'm here and I'm thinking of you. It does not have to be monetary. And the last thing for me would be just to let our audience know like how much from Chris passing that I one, love to document like while we're out at night, just like picture-wise, but like just realize that we could all be gone tomorrow.

1:05:40 SPEAKER_03: I know it sounds so cliche, like live every day as if it's your last day. I truly do encourage myself and my girlfriends and my family to do that. Because, like, if we didn't go for like, let's just say St. Patrick's Day, right? Like we had the best time and it was so unexpected, and I didn't want to go out. And I made myself go out. Um, and and we took the we take the trips, we call each other.

1:06:06 SPEAKER_00: We took the videos, people. This is where someone needs to go in and delete some stuff. Yeah. This thing happens to me and you at the same time. Once someone in our friend group needs to get in there and those videos, oh my God. Well, I am what were we doing? We we were be living.

1:06:21 SPEAKER_03: Yes, we were living large. We were living large. We're living large. And we were living fun. We're just enjoying this journey that we and this short, short life that we're given because we all are not getting out of here. Like that is the bottom line. Enjoy, don't sweat the freaking small stuff. Be there for your girlfriends. Don't ask what they need. Just follow through and do. Well, not even girlfriends, family as well. Just do what you know that you should do because no one is going to ask you for anything when you're in crisis mode.

1:06:52 SPEAKER_00: And when you're doing your emergency pack, which we all have, we all have our first aid kits. Get your first aid kit for supporting your friends in crisis stat. So thank you. Oh my gosh. This was great. This was great. This was great. Message us what you guys already do because I'm super interested now that we're sort of this popped into my small little brain.

1:07:14 SPEAKER_03: And another thing, you don't need perfect friends. You just need a plan, which is why we created this episode because it just to kind of like start sparking the brain of like knowing what's coming because we plan all the other things in life. Everything. All of our vacations, all of our our waxing appointments. Our waxing appointments, our day, our you know, your work day. What are you doing the next day? How many emails do you have to send? Why not sit with your girlfriends and have a little bit of a plan to help each other out in a crisis?

1:07:44 SPEAKER_00: Yes. And note to all of our girlfriends out there who probably aren't listening, which is fine. We'll text you. We are putting together a plan. So this is going to be the And a paper planner. Bring your paper planners, and if you don't have one, we'll get you that. I know what's coming back to cigarettes. Okay, well, that's a whole cigarettes. I'm not sure that that's.

1:08:01 SPEAKER_03: I don't know. I don't know that I want to smoke. I I don't want to smoke. No, but they're fun in pictures. Yeah, like fake ones. Yeah, like fake ones. I don't know if are you watching Love Story? No, I don't watch it. Oh my gosh. If you're watching Love Story, you know. That's a whole other episode. But paper planners, love your girlfriends. Get some fake cigs, take some fun pictures. Take pictures, take videos, live your life, go do all the things. Tell your girlfriends where to put them in your fake files.

1:08:24 SPEAKER_03: And that you love them. And you love them. Oh, thank you for being here. We love you guys. We will see you on the next episode.