Midlife Widowhood Guide | Grief, Loss of a Spouse & Starting Over - WTF Just Happened?

SPEAKER_01: This is What the F Just Happened.

SPEAKER_00: The podcast that proved life is messy, midlife is so wild, and laughter is definitely non-negotiable.

SPEAKER_01: So grab a cocktail or a mocktail or your favorite emotionally supportive snack, and let's get into it.

SPEAKER_01: Hello everyone, it's Hillary, and this is What the F Just Happened. And I'm gonna just throw this out there that today we're gonna be talking with Sada and about her story. So I just want to give everyone a little bit of a trigger warning that if you are going through sudden loss or grief or anything in that realm, that this may be an episode that hits a little too close to home. So maybe jump to episode four, which is about medical aesthetics, and all of us can relate to that. So having said that, my best friend Seda is here and she's gonna share her story, a story about love, loss, and learning how to breathe again after everything changes in a single moment.

SPEAKER_01: So, Seda, you've walked through something most people can't even imagine, and yet you show up with grace, honesty, and a heart that continues to choose joy. I'm so honored you're here with us today, and I'm so grateful you're willing to share your story. So when you're ready, can you take us back to what life looked like before everything changed? Yes.

SPEAKER_02: Hi, everyone. Thank you for being here. Um, yes, this is an episode where I'm just going to kind of tell my story, just like Hilary did in her uh episode. And um I am one full martini, and I'm just going to like say that because I feel like this is such a hard conversation to have. Um, Sean, uh Hillary's Hudson made me a uh a martini before I am having this conversation because it's deep and hard and and raw.

SPEAKER_01: And I will chime in that just really quickly for all of our listeners, my story is after yours. Oh, it's after? Oh, okay. Okay. So your hearing say does first, and then you can flash forward to mine. And and Sean made you. And I'm also had a pattern of Sfros and Martini. It's Frost and Martini. We've just had to like sort of get like in the groove. Yeah, just a little it's a little bit deeper and heavier. Not just deep. It's actually a lot deeper and heavier.

SPEAKER_02: No, I mean uh yeah, no, but um, so my story. Okay, so we'll just start with uh that my husband and I, Chris, knew each other since we were uh 14 years old. Uh we grew up in a town um outside uh LA County, uh Orange County together. We went to rival high schools. Um he was the I think like the second boy I ever kissed when I was 14 years old. Who was first? Uh Julian. I mean, I don't even know. I just wanted to know. Never mind. I think it was this boy. Oh, wait, no, actually, maybe he was a third, but uh uh I remember uh kissing this this boy in uh like sixth grade.

SPEAKER_02: I think his name was Troy. Oh, anyway, that was that's a whole new uh that's a whole uh other episode. But um so I knew Chris. I I had a makeout session with him and and another friend of my no another chat of my my girlfriend Heather. Am I allowed to say her? I think I mean yeah, I didn't say last name. We went to Chris's house, um uh and we hung out with him and his friend, and we hung out with him and his friend, and we were on beanbags. We were listening to uh easy and nwa on like beanbags when we were like 14 years old and had a little makeout session.

SPEAKER_02: And uh he was so cute, and what he was already in high school and I was in eighth grade. So anyway, uh fast forward, fast forward um uh many, many years. I was uh we kept in contact just throughout high school, and I had friends that were friends with him and his sisters and his family. And um so you were close friends, you weren't let's say dating the whole time. No, no, no. But you guys dated. Yeah, it was just like when you live in a small town, everybody knows other people from different high schools.

SPEAKER_02: And um, you know, I had friends from several of the like rival high schools around that I that I I'm still friends with to this day, actually. So yeah, so Chris and I were friends. I mean, I would see him throughout high school, I would see him after high school. Um, so there was a group of my girlfriends from California that we all applied to be flight attendants. And so uh we all got the job. Um, I worked for American Airlines, a couple of my girlfriends worked for United. Um, there were a couple of us that worked for Americans.

SPEAKER_02: So anyway, long story short, I ended up kind of reuniting with Chris with that group of girlfriends and some of their friends in um Laughlin, Nevada, where that was a few hours away from our house. We would go there all the time or go to Vegas all the time. And then we kind of started dating after that. And I would say that was gosh, I don't know. Um I don't know what year that was, but anyway, it was young 20s. Yeah, super young 20s, yeah, like very young 20s. Um in the baby adulting phase. Yeah, baby adulting phase, which we will have an episode on because our children now that we have are in their baby adulting phase, yes?

SPEAKER_01: I agree. Baby adulting, just quickly a little sidebar, is kind of college to sort of maybe mid-20s when you're sort of adulting, but you're still calling your parents for like 30 bucks. Or you're still being rise and bell. Exactly. Or all of the bills, right? So you're in you're in that phase. Anyway, okay. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: So uh I was in the baby adulting phase, although I did have a career and I I worked for I was a flight attendant and then lived in San Francisco. So I was kind of commuting from uh San Francisco to LA and um would come down to be with my girlfriends to go out um on the weekends, and um it that was a that was super fun time in my life, but um anyway, okay. Fast forward, Chris and I got married and we dated uh casually and then we dated. Um I had Layla, my oldest, in 2021. I mean 2001. Yes. 2001.

SPEAKER_02: No, this is good. I no, I but I I keep saying the wrong year, like when we're Hillary Hillary. All of our years blend together. Okay, so Layla was born in 2001, and uh Chris and I got married a couple years later, and um he passed this last November 2024. So we were together the entire time. We were grew up together, built our foundation of uh relationships together, you know, didn't have a ton of foundation, grew really we were children and grew up together.

SPEAKER_01: Which is so incredible that you were able, and you'll definitely reference this later, is you had a real marriage and you the ups and the downs, I'm assuming what a normal marriage is, you guys stayed together and continued to work at it through all of those moments that were probably, you know, I know I was married for 16 years. There's some really hard moments, especially when you're raising little kids, because right behind your first, a few years later, was your second.

SPEAKER_02: So yeah, um, absolutely. So yeah, Maddie and and uh Leila are almost five years apart. But I think one of the big things that Chris and I, you know, we were casually dating, knew each other, you know, from being 14 years old and up. But I think the hardest thing when you marry somebody um that you don't date seriously for long periods of time, it comes with a lot of um roadblocks and a lot of hurdles where you didn't build a foundation of your future together. So that was hard. Um, Chris's dad was really sick, um, had cancer.

SPEAKER_02: It was a very just kind of it's just such a it was a kind of a wild time. But, you know, I was so excited because I was so in love with Chris. Like I felt like I was so excited for our wedding. A little bit like what you'll go into with your story, or if you've already listened to Hillary's story, just like excited about like the wedding and like my ring, and just so excited to be like with his family, because my family's super small, and his family was a big Armenian family, and it felt so fun to be in this really like big family with lots of cousins and lots of, and I still to this day just like really cherish that part of Chris's family that they are um a very family-oriented, and there's so many of them, and I'm friends with so many of them still to this day.

SPEAKER_01: And he was, I mean, so cute. I I can only imagine what he looked like when he was 20 because so such a good looking guy. Oh my god. Smile that lit up every room, personality. Yeah, he was someone dancing. I mean, he was always so invested in getting to know people and what they were interested in. I can only imagine, right? That yeah, how can you not fall in love with that? He was just Yes, but we were also like little kids, right?

SPEAKER_02: I mean, in terms of uh maturity and um all of that. So we had um many, many, many rough years, um, many happy years, many rough years, up, down, all around um buying a house, raising kids, uh, church, trying to figure out friendships. It was it was just what you kind of thought like how life was supposed to be, you know?

SPEAKER_01: So, like what were some like what were some of the things in going back that were challenging that you guys overcame? I mean, obviously all of life can just be challenging, but some of the things that you guys actually really walk through together and you stay committed to each other, where maybe in some other cases it wouldn't have worked out that way.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I mean, I think we can all look back and and we're products of like how we were raised, right? So whether that was good marriages, bad marriages, um uh, or um no skills for communication, I think that was what most people can probably say their marriage fails from. I think they say like money and communication. Absolutely. So ours was definitely communication at first, just learning to get to know each other's um like love language, our style of communicating. Um, Chris being had a lot of hobbies.

SPEAKER_02: I kind of didn't because I was already like working in my career and he was working at the family business and was busy, but he definitely loved music and had a whole like group of guys that he would hang out with and do music with. And yeah, there was just a lot of learning. It was a lot of like, well, it's not all about me. It's not about like you're not coming home every single night to just your wife and we're making dinner together. How I wanted like a fairy tale to be. It was not like that.

SPEAKER_02: It was very so different, right? Like, yeah, but yet he was helping run his family business um and working a lot of hours and um falling asleep sometimes at work on the couch and then up and okay, still continuing to work the next day.

SPEAKER_01: And um, yeah, it was that's stressful, right? You're you're working that I mean long hours, and that makes sense. As we were sort of talked about in the 20s and 30s, is you're just on the hamster wheel and it's just uh round and round. It's like every day is groundhog day. Every day, but just trying to like sort of put keep it all together, get ahead, save money, raise children, the entire especially if you have both parents working.

SPEAKER_02: It's you know, my kids were um I stayed home for a bit, but then I went back to being a flight attendant. That was around right around 9-11. Um, I do remember um Layla and my oldest and Chris. Um, I would fly on the weekends. So I would leave on a Friday afternoon into the evening and I would fly to New York. Oh wow. And I would stay in New York Saturday, and then I would fly home Sunday, and I would get them all prepared on Friday when they would leave. I'd get the pizza like ordered for delivery.

SPEAKER_02: I'd put out uh La Layla's jammies. Uh Chris would come home from work. I'm like, okay, you guys, I'm gonna go. And sometimes I would come home on a Sunday and they were in the same clothes, the pizza box and my kid and Layla was small at that point. Uh like Little Box would be on the counter, they'd be in the same clothes. Matt Layla would have like, you know, rain boots on, and they'd be like in the backyard. I'm like, have you guys left it all this weekend? And they're like, No, or Chris would say, nope, we haven't.

SPEAKER_02: Which you know, looking back, yeah, I think that's what made a lot of like their deep relationship too, is because they did spend a lot of time together. Um, because I was on a lot. Such a great dad. Yeah. So connected with the kids. So good. So, you know, fast forward through the years, and when Chris did a lot of the soccer coaching, um, but we did live in a state of like just our yeah, our communication was just not great. We just did not learn the skills. We did a lot of um marriage counseling.

SPEAKER_02: Um, some of it helped, some of it didn't help. Um, we moved a couple times. We moved our kids, which, you know, I don't know, good, bad, or otherwise. It's just what our path was. And um went from yeah, Southern California up to Ventura County, then uh ended up in um uh where we are now in Idaho. And that's you know, kind of where our I think that's like where our real, real relationship really like blossomed was like moving here and really having to rely on like just the two of us, right? Because uh just you and your sort of new area, anyone here except one other couple that you know we were friends with.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: Wow, and it's also before Idaho blew up. Yeah, that was in 20 uh 17. Wow. Okay, so you guys move here and you're sort of rediscovering obviously a new state and family life, and it's probably quieter because it's not so busy because you've left California where just so many people that you knew, right? So now you're sort of here by yourself. What did that look like?

SPEAKER_02: I mean, I think it was a transition that um I'm not sure I would wish on anyone. It was a difficult transition for my kids. Um and it was a difficult transition for me as like a woman. I am very much friend oriented, and I didn't have a lot of girlfriends here. It was like we're moving, we're gonna go where we can afford to live. Uh, Chris had lost, um, had worked for the family business, left the family business, worked for a tech company, and they were uh bought out. So he uh was laid off. And basically it was like, okay, what are we gonna do?

SPEAKER_02: Are we gonna move? We're gonna stay. We just happened to come to this area in Idaho and kind of look around. It felt very California-ish to me. It didn't feel too bizarre. It wasn't East Coast, it wasn't Midwest. It felt very much like we were still close to California. Um, and so we just settled here and we bought a house. We were so excited, a brand new house. I mean, if you don't, if you live in California or another state and you move to a place like Idaho, you don't um it's very strange to move here and realize like you can buy a brand new house.

SPEAKER_02: Like that's not what you really can do in California.

SPEAKER_01: Right when we were you and I were both being born and raiser. And just for clarity, Idaho is not Ohio or Iowa. Yeah. Because people say, You live in Ohio, Iowa? And so no, there's an actual state. There's actually like jokes about like greeting cards that have the outline of Idaho, and then in the middle of it it says Iowa.

SPEAKER_02: Yes.

SPEAKER_01: Because it's like just well, when Sean said to me, Well, I didn't know where it was either when we had moved to Oregon for his job, and then he came, he'd come here for because in sales, uh, he Oh, did the one come here? He actually came here like nine months after because his territory now became packed northwest. So he came back and we just moved to Oregon. We just relocated the whole family to Oregon. And he said, Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01: Lake Oswego, right? Well, so we lived in Happy Valley, right? So outside of Portland, Lake Oswego is ourselves.

SPEAKER_02: Right, we're also looking, isn't that crazy?

SPEAKER_01: That is crazy. So we know each other then. But he came back and said after nine months of just moving and upgrading our family from California from where we were born and raised, and said, We need to move to Idaho. And I said to him, Well, where? I didn't know where it was. I was like, Where in the country is that? Now granted, that might also reflect on my, you know, school. Yeah, I got that our California education and my geography. I thought, I mean, I kind of knew where it was in the vicinity, but I had no idea where it was.

SPEAKER_01: So anyway, okay.

SPEAKER_02: And just for all you uh Idahoans listening, I mean, I've been here almost nine years. We are we we love our state. We are um, but we I'm also pro I'm also proud and from California. Like I I learned so much living there growing up there. My mom and worked in downtown LA. I was very much like culturally aware of like foods and people. So I feel like grateful for my upbringing.

SPEAKER_01: I would say, and I mean all of our friends, and correct me if I'm wrong, everyone that we're friends with is from California. Oh yeah. And Lord Helso Cal. Yeah. Right. I mean, I love all the people we know from Idaho. We have, I think, one who was on our street, lovely people. But I mean, most Idahoans are welcoming. There is the whole contingent on next door or any of the Facebook sites that all hand Californians. Nothing else to do with it. Right. So that is not reflective. Yeah, I would have to say is every single person who has been so welcoming, so kind, living here is so friendly.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah. So yeah. So anyway, yeah. I mean, you know, I don't do well in the winters, but it's great. Yes, other than right, other than the winter, which is not actually crazy. We've had a beautiful winter so far where we have lots of sun. Beautiful winter. Yes. Okay. So Chris blessed me with a beautiful. He did. He's blessing you with slightly like warmer temperatures than normal and sun, which is incredible. I don't care what it is, it could be negative 10, not that it ever gets like that here. But when I wake up and there's sun and it's 20 hours, it doesn't matter, or 30 or 40, crisp.

SPEAKER_01: My mind is gorgeous. Um so happy. So much happier. So, okay, so now we're in Idaho, we buy a new house, we're having to make new friends, which is gonna absolutely be an episode about friendship and moving, especially for women. Because we you have your connections, you have your solid base, especially because marriage can be challenging. So now you've moved and it's the two of you and your darling girls, and you're forging ahead here and making new friends. And obviously the best was yet to come with our girlfriends.

SPEAKER_01: It took a minute to all get together. But so then what does that look like?

SPEAKER_02: And I do love you girls, uh, Shelly, Shana, all my girls. And I uh I love all my girls here, but um, that looks like uh feeling a little lost, uh trying to juggle my girlfriends, meeting new friends, trying to figure out how to um, you know, Chris had started a new job at a company that was great. Um, you know, I I think it just looked like a little frantic. Uh moving to a new state is a lot of work. It's a lot of work. And um trying to just figure out what that looked like to settle our family a four and sure to a new spot.

SPEAKER_02: But girls are what age? What uh what school age are they? Okay and um a junior in high school. And that's hard. Yeah. That's very hard. And especially she did she met a couple really great, I mean, she met some good girlfriends, um worked, and she did great. Um, I think junior high is really difficult. It's a hard.

SPEAKER_01: It's a hard, yeah. I think it's and I'm gonna just pipe in and just say that Sada has the most beautiful, smart, like your girls are just incredible. Also, which is I mean, as I mean, please don't ask me to go back to the junior high days for no for aunt myself. But your girls are just, I mean, testament to you and Chris's parents.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because like searching for like what was the next thing that was going to like maybe make me happy. Like Chris would have done anything that I said asked him to do. If I was like, let's go to Florida, he would say, Okay, if that's what you want to do and that will make you happy, let's go to Florida. Or if you want to move back to Southern California from Ventura County, then that's what we'll do. Right. So in processing like a lot of just like my life and my grief and thinking about who I am as a person now, I do um uh I do truly believe that my path was brought brought us here to Idaho.

SPEAKER_02: And I'm so thankful. Obviously, I have the most amazing um Idaho girlfriend, husbands, family, like that I I mean it could it seriously like brings me to tears to even think about how blessed I am. Um, but a lot of it is like, huh, what did I I feel I feel like I was kind of like escaping thinking the next thing was gonna make me like happy in our marriage. You know, like we're gonna have a great marriage once once we get to Idaho, once we have our home and it's a new home and it's so beautiful.

SPEAKER_02: Once we live, you know, in the area that is kind of like known to be nice, I'm gonna be happy once I blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_01: Once I, you know, and it was like But that's so true, I think, in life in general, is just we're always because what that tells me, and I'm not projecting this onto you, but when you say that, I think to myself, is those are the moments that in my own life, the next thing was the thing that I thought was gonna make me happy, but I wasn't happy. Meaning and maybe I was happy on some other level, but I hadn't come to terms with who I am, what brings me joy. I mean, now it could be coffee in the morning, right?

SPEAKER_01: Just that hot pipe of littlest things. But in that instance, is when you're sort of thinking that the next thing is gonna bring and make it all okay. And we've never had this conversation. No, we haven't. This is a brand new conversation. Is I would say that's I think for people who are listening to this, I think we a lot of us do that. It's if I buy, I'm gonna buy this bag. I'm gonna, because it's always outside of yourself. It's not, it's really hard to look in the mirror and say, I am sufficient in how I feel about myself.

SPEAKER_01: And what is it that I need to do to go back and sort of fix those things to really know who I am, cherish who I am, love who I am, period. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02: So I mean, I we have Hillary and I have never had this conversation about just kind of feeling like the next thing will make you happier, the next thing will make you feel better, the next thing will make your marriage better, the next thing will be the it to kind of make you happy when that is not it. What's not the it? What it what the it is is what's inside you. So circling back to like where we were, yeah, our marriage was still just kind of, you know, not a main, like it was fine. It just was in a groundhog state.

SPEAKER_02: Uh, Chris started a new job. He um I also started a new job. He was stressed learning this new job. Um, would you know he's definitely like an all-in work, you know, 50, 60 hours a week. And that started to weigh on our marriage. And I would say he moved here, moved to Idaho in 2017, and in I think like 2019 was when we were just not great. And I was like, okay, he was struggling, I think, just in life in general. Kind of just, I feel like where we all get like, is this it? Is this life? Like, is this my life?

SPEAKER_02: Is this my family? Like what? But he was also on doing his working, right? I think he was just like fine with that because that's just kind of like what he thought life was. And I was always the wanderlust person, like, this is not what it's about. We need to be doing more. We can like, you know, we should write a book together on our marriage. We should always like the dreamer, the let's move, let's um, you know, there every possibility was always very much open to me. Right. And Chris was like, You're you think too too far into La La Land.

SPEAKER_02: Um, which I mean, I could go into that just about uh my girlfriend in Southern California just talking me through a lot of my early days of marriage, saying, like, you are hoping for something that is like not real. It's like in the movie like the movies and the roots.

SPEAKER_01: It was like, yes, it's not right. It's in the movie SATA. It sets us all up for this vision of what you think is, especially. I mean, I think you get way more grounded in who you are as you get older. Oh my gosh. And you sort of come to terms with, I don't give a fuck. No. Right. I'm here, I'm not here to please anyone. No, I'm gonna be authentic and real. Now I feel that. Yes, of course, now, but Florida's going back to 30. And it was all about, you know, oh, the kids had to be clean and hair. It's like and braids and perfect and like their lunches and all that thing.

SPEAKER_02: Oh wow, I could have thought you my hair got like they had functors. Actually, my girlfriend Kristen actually, she's the one that taught me to French where you didn't use a certain thing.

SPEAKER_01: But it's the whole lung and it's not reality. But I think, yeah, you flash forward to you get to a point in life. So if you're in your 20s or 30s, just speed yourself up and do yourself a favor and get there and just love yourself as you are, because honestly, who gives a fuck? Like, no, it's like it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_02: I know, just no be true to who you are, and just you know, I think um some of my biggest takeaways and just looking back at my life with Chris, too, as I get further into my um my story with him is, you know, this what like none of it matters. Right. Like it is I'm I really I don't know if it's just that you come to that conclusion one when you're over the age of 40 or 50, or two, when you actually lose someone. Right. And you're looking back. You really like you really have to know it doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_02: Like if I'm late somewhere now and I really don't like to be late anywhere, I'm like, it is okay. Yeah. If I forget to whatever, well, I mean, I have to be responsible and all that, but of course, and you are my my perspective is completely different. Right. Um so anyway, fast forward, um, you know, Chris and I decided, you know, we needed some additional therapy in our marriage. We wanted to fine-tune it and and he was struggling. And just kind of, I think, uh, in the sense of, I mean, he had he l We live in Idaho.

SPEAKER_02: Oh, there's the most amazing fishing here. He was happy as a clam. You could see the stress like leave his body when we moved to Idaho. Um, everyone drives slow. I was annoyed with that. I would drive on the the one freeway we have here. Um, and I you we're not supposed to call the I-84, but I do. Um the I-84 say uh 184, whatever. Yes.

SPEAKER_01: And I remember driving like 78, and I was passing, I just would pass everyone and was like, I think that's just how it is when you come from a state that's very fast-paced too, coming from well, you could finally not be in traffic and you could actually go 78 versus going two miles an hour. I would, and I would just wonder why are these people going like 62?

SPEAKER_02: So it it did take a while for me. It's nice to slow down, right? Yes. Um, anyway, I could see Chris really enjoying it here and loving it, but then I kind of felt like, well, what do I like to do?

SPEAKER_01: How we kind of get about in another whole right. He's got his fish shade. Hobbies. Right. And you're always such a go-getter and such a hustle. You're always doing learner.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it's I just know that that's like a hobby, but I I definitely don't like to fish. No. Um I don't like art class, like painting art. So we do talk about this in another episode, but I think Chris really found his love here. He found his fly fishing. He found just he would fish my stepdad. He would fish with friends. Um, he eventually found our group of friends where he, you know, was able to do like football and all the things. Like Chris was happy here. Oh my gosh. It was that was struggling.

SPEAKER_02: I opened up a clothing shop. I worked for sophomore sales, I was really grasping at straws of trying to just figure out what create creative things could bring me happiness. Sure. When really it wasn't about that. Once now that I'm looking back, right? But all that to say, uh, Chris started therapy. He went for three years straight and did not miss one week. Wow. And um and people are probably like, why do you go and you didn't go? I did go. I mean, we went together, not to his person, but we did go.

SPEAKER_02: I just I think I always thought like Chris was the issue. He needed to like get the help when really it was a lot of me as well. It was our communication. Um, but that was years ago. But all that to say, where we ended up was a really through 20-something years of marriage, you know, um, 30 years of friendship and all of that. Um, we ended up in a really great place at the end, uh, before he passed, and had excellent communication, um, really fun times together. He was truly my best friend. We busted up laughing together because every day.

SPEAKER_02: He was so freaking uh he loved music. We just were in our empty nesting stage of uh we love to ride bikes together. We um because we're always so busy. Um, you know.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we were always like we just were so busy all busy. Okay, so then can I ask? Can we flash forward to sort of Hawaii and the trip and sort of where? So we're gonna now kind of pivot to sort of what actually happened.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so we were, you know, so great. We had we loved every weekend, we would go bike riding every weekend on the green belt. Um, I I literally would work in my front office and like have my blinds open, and when he'd pull up, I'd be so excited that he would get there. And I that's not a lot of marriage, but we worked really fucking hard to get there. It's incredible. Really hard to get where we were so solid, and I he was my best friend. Um, and and then I met um you guys a couple years a few years before that, right?

SPEAKER_02: So we were just I just life was cruising. Right.

SPEAKER_01: We had a great friend group and the funniest friend group. Right. Um the guys all will love each other, right? Everyone's all great. And this trip came up really quickly.

SPEAKER_02: So our trip came up very quickly in November 2024. Um, Chris had been alerted by his HR that he had almost a whole week of vacation that he wasn't going to be allowed to roll over. Right. And so my work is awesome and amazing and super flexible. And so it was a Tuesday. Um, I can't remember the day exactly, but it was a Tuesday. And on that Thursday, we left for Hawaii. But you like this whip you whipped this trip together. I said, let's go on a trip. Like we only live once. Right. We were just gonna go locally a couple hours away to the mountains, but it was November, it was already getting a little chilly.

SPEAKER_02: I was like, we had points on a credit card, we had a a Delta companion pass. Oh, missing. It was something that maybe Chris wouldn't think of doing because it seemed a little outlandish to just go for five days like to Hawaii. And we went to Hawaii a lot with our family, but we'd go that was our big family vacation, right? Right. It cost a lot of money. It was like, well, we had all these kind of like little open doors. We had enough points to stay at the Royal Hawaiian. We had a buy one, get one delta flight.

SPEAKER_02: Um, we had my kids were obviously old enough to they weren't even here. They stayed on their own. They weren't even they lived on their own. Um, so all the pieces fell into place for us literally to leave within like two days. We could not believe it. That's crazy. So we planned up this five-day trip to Waikiki, which Chris and I both love, Oahu. And um we have the most, I'm telling you, out of 20, however many years we knew each other, 30 years, the most amazing, magical, um uh aligned, spiritual, soul-filled, love-filled vacation that we have ever had in our whole time together.

SPEAKER_02: And we did a lot of things alone. Absolutely. We did like go, we traveled to Vegas a lot. We would make time to go and like spend time with each other. So we had the best time on the planet. I mean, from the breakfast on the patio for the Royal Hawaiian to the Mai Thai bar to walking. We got up every morning and walked like three and a half miles all the way down to Diamond head and back. Um, anyway, we just had a really great time and so many pictures and so many amazing videos. And I'm always a picture taker as you are taker, but but there was even like more so.

SPEAKER_02: This trip was very strange to me. Like when I'm looking back now, I think there are uh I took a lot more videos than I normally would. Um, so on the um night of the 18th, which is when Chris passed away, um, we had the best day on the beach. We got poke bowls at the um at a grocery store. We packed a cooler, we uh rented chairs outside the Royal Hawaiian. We spent the entire day on the beach, the whole day. Chris was out snorkeling for like three hours. He got bites, he got you bites. Yeah, see, there were um, I mean, I was in heaven.

SPEAKER_02: We were in heaven. We had our little cooler, we just had the best time. We laughed so much that day. So I have video in my phone from um about 9:30 that morning from having coffee to um the time that he ended up in the hospital. And um, all every few hours I just was taking a video. I don't know. I just I have the sunset videos, I have videos of us laughing, I have videos. Um, okay, so long story short, um, the last day we uh were going in after the sunset for to get ready to go to dinner because it was our last night.

SPEAKER_02: And um we go in and go to the hotel. We stop at the gift shop because I wanted to buy these diffusers um because Chris kept commenting on how good the hotel smelled. So, you know, now they have like you can buy the scent. Right, sure, of course. Um, and he's like, gosh, I just love the smell of this hotel. I said, let's stop in the gift shop and see if they have the scent and a candle, and we'll buy a candle, we'll bring it home. So we stopped um in the gift shop. I they didn't have any candles, but they had diffusers.

SPEAKER_02: So I bought two diffusers, they were$99 each. And Chris was so annoyed. Like, he's like, why we're not getting one, let alone you have two in your hand. Right. I go, you just go in outside. I'm gonna get these. I've never heard the story. Okay, because this is like, yeah, I want to remember, and the smell was so good. I have them at my house still. Um, and he's like, You can never like who buys diffusers for a hundred dollars? Like, that's insane to me. I go, You hush. I work as well. Go stand outside and wait for me, and I'll be there in a minute.

SPEAKER_02: Right. He was good. There was n uh just so you guys all know, nothing weird. My husband wrote his teleton every single day for an hour, hour and a half. He was healthy, he ate low carb. I was in such good shape. Such good shape. Granted, he didn't go to the doctor as often as I would have liked him have to have gone, whether he man. Um, yeah, he did, he was pretty sick um a few a couple months prior. And at urgent care, they did say like your blood pressure is really high. Oh you might want to just like check up with your GI or your regular um normal doctor.

SPEAKER_01: He didn't know because it was just like two. Right. You know, it's probably right. Yeah. I mean, he looked like the epitome of health. Yeah, he was he was great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02: So I mean, to this day, it is what it is. Right. Who knows that was it? Yeah. And um, so I get the two diffusers for$200, and he's not happy. I mean, he's like he's never mad, you know. Yeah, but still, I mean, I get that, right? Yeah. So I we get in the elevator and I take a selfie uh of myself holding the two diffusers, like so happy with like a smile on my face, like, huh? I don't know. I have a oh I haven't I haven't seen that. So I didn't have that. And that was a, I mean, I have the timeline.

SPEAKER_02: It was like a uh like six something. Right. And so, and then I have a beautiful video of I just happened to set my phone up on um on the towel, and him and I went into the water and we like I made him come up. He's like, please stop filming me. I thought no, I don't want to. So, yes, we had we shared like a little kiss when he came up from the water. So that was at like five p five something p.m. Okay. Then we watched the sunset at five, whatever, six. Then I got the diffusers. Um, and then we went to the hotel room and we were just going to shower and go back out to dinner.

SPEAKER_02: So it was our last night. And so um we um, I mean, I won't tell the whole story just based on like intimate like had a great time in the room, just like that. We had a really great time in the room before before we were gonna get ready for dinner, and um and yeah, he uh was kind of like on the edge of the bed and we were gonna get ready and he just kind of flopped over on the bed. And keep in mind, my husband's like a massive jokester. Right. Like he is he will like get up and dance in front of anyone, he will joke in front of anyone, show us his buns, show us his like he'll pull his shorts little buns.

SPEAKER_02: Show like we went camping a couple years ago, and so on Chris's cute buns as he's dancing down the path. Down the path, yeah. Um, I mean he'll yeah, pull his shorts up between his butt cheeks and show you know people his his butt cheeks. So he's just a jokester. So yeah, I definitely thought that he was joking and I wasn't quite sure what was happening. And um, yeah, I just remember him kind of like flopped over on the bed, and then I heard like a small little like gurgling sound, not very loud at all.

SPEAKER_02: It was a very faint. And in my mind, I was like, okay, something is happening. And I it almost sounded like he was maybe choking, but he wasn't coughing, his eyes were not open. Just so you guys know, it was peaceful, it was not frantic. I do not get frantic. I might get frantic if like he chooses to park in a parking place because he just passed five good ones and he parks like far away. Of course. And I'm like, why are you parking? Right, why'd you just pass five of Costco when we could have parked closer?

SPEAKER_02: This was very much like um, I went into maybe it was like my flight attendant days. I'm not really sure, but I went into very much like calm. Um I was like, okay, he my husband is having a heart attack. Like that's what was in my mind. And I heard that little like gurgling sound, and I remember thinking, okay, it's time. You have to give him CPR. Like, what is happening? So I actually pulled him, like, I I turned him over on the bed, and I was thinking, well, I can't do CPR in the bed because it was like too soft, bouncy.

SPEAKER_02: Right. I pulled him onto the floor. I thought for sure that I broke his arm his shoulder or his arm. So heavy, I pulled him like onto himself. Right. And I just remember, I remember exactly the time I pulled him onto the floor, and I I can distinctly remember looking at him um like uh my gosh, my husband's so handsome, and my husband looks so peaceful, and he's so beautiful. Like these thoughts were going on in my mind, but I'm also giving him CPR. Well now keep in mind I didn't know that there was new CPR rules because I haven't been a flight attendant.

SPEAKER_02: Sure. So I was giving him mouth to mouth. Right, and I know it was just so I shouting like N1, N2, N3, N4, and five, and brief. And so keep in mind that um I the phone for the hoach for to call someone was not close to the bed anymore because I was on the floor in front of the bed. Of course. So in my mind, I'm thinking, you gotta get to the phone, but if you stop giving him CPR, he could die. Right. But I already knew in my mind that he already like passed away. Like I already knew, like I in your heart, like in my body, like I knew I was like, yes, like my husband just died in front of me.

SPEAKER_02: But I was like, what what do I need? I have to keep going. I can't like not do anything. I can't just say he died. What if there's a chance he comes back to life? But I knew he passed away, like I knew he passed away, and he looked so peaceful, like just tan, peaceful, um, just happy. Like, I mean, he was happy. We just had a great time when we came in the room, and then he zipped up to heaven. Right. Um, so I finally like get to the phone and I dial zero and I tell the front desk that my husband's having a heart attack because at that point I still thought he had a heart attack.

SPEAKER_02: And um, they send people up, and then again, I knew I had to stop in order to open the door to let the people in. So they knock, um, they come in, they come in with security, a defibrill. They had already called the EMTs and um they asked me to come out in the hallway. So I, you know, put a robe on and went to the hallway, thinking, okay, well, he's gone, but maybe they can save him. But I was like, I already knew he was gone. Like I just like you're processing all of this in that moment. I just knew in my body, when you're with someone for more than half of your life, you clearly know them like the back of your hand.

SPEAKER_02: Right. So I uh I was in my mind, I could envision myself like kind of going up above the scene in almost like a bird in a nest, or a bird in a tree. And I could see myself giving him CPR, and I just see him laying there, but it was not um, I mean, I did work through my PTSD and my trauma on it with my therapist, but it wasn't tragic in terms of weird eyes open, or he didn't hold his chest. He didn't know, um, you know, he didn't know that anything, I mean, he was gone. Right. So I went out to the hallway.

SPEAKER_02: Um, and I remember, I think I called my sister first, and um And they have did they have you go the hallway so they could just work on you? Mm-hmm. Oh, because I didn't want you like write the Yeah, I was probably I mean, I was I'm sure just I remember I kept saying as he did, like and kind of yelling that, and I'm sure that was frantic for them. So then I I I remember being on the phone with my sister. I don't know who I call. I that was very blurry. Um, and I could see the EMTs coming down the hall.

SPEAKER_02: We were in this really we were in the older part of the hotel, so our hotel room was at a the end of a very long hallway, kind of like hotels in Vegas. Sure. Where when you're tired or had too many drinks and you have to walk all the way down, you're thinking, so walls all the way down the hallway. Um, so everything was in slow motion. And everything was in slow motion. So I was on the phone with my sister, I think my sister at that point, and I saw about nine EMTs running down the hall and uh jogging down the hall, and all I could hear was their equipment, like on their belts, all their keys and um I don't know, just whatever that was on their belts, like whatever was in on their bodies because they were a lot of gear, right?

SPEAKER_02: Sure. So I heard the light clanking like up and down and up. And down, like as they were taking each step towards me. And then as soon as they got to me, like my my brain went back into real life and it went fast, and they went fast into the room. It was like the most out of body, like strange experience I've ever felt in my life. Um, from there, uh, they wouldn't tell me too much. I mean, I like I said, I already feel like I knew he was gone. And I do remember, like, while I was giving him CPR, like I was making a deal with anybody I could, like the Lord, the devil, the universe.

SPEAKER_02: Please just do not take in from me. I will do anything you ask. Please do not take my husband. I have my girls here. I'm alone here. I like I could not possibly live without him. He does most everything. He makes all my food. He grocery shops everything for our friends. Right. Um and he, you know, he was gone. So uh they took him in the ambulance. And Did you go in the ambulance with them? No, they wouldn't let me. Oh. So they he didn't go into cardiac arrest three times in the ambulance. Oh, we did keep his heart going.

SPEAKER_02: So they were defibrillating him? Yeah, or giving him CPL time to keep his heart going until he could they could get him to the hospital and his heart stabilized. But by that time, looking back or knowing now, um, he was already like so he ultimately died of a brain aneurysm, um, which can can't be detected. Um, there is some research out there about high blood pressure, which is why I brought that up about the urgent care. Um, but he was so healthy otherwise. Um, so I had to take an Uber with my by myself.

SPEAKER_02: Oh my goodness. I had to take I asked if the lady who was helping me, like the concierge, I begged her to go with me, and she said, by law, she couldn't go with me. So she had me go back in the room. I packed up, I don't even know what I packed up. I put sweats on, I put stuff in a bag. I I don't even have any idea what was in my what was in the um the backpack that I brought there. And she put me in an Uber. And I mean, I was in shock, obviously. Okay, yeah, get me to the hotel or get me to um Is the hospital close?

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, it was close. Okay. It was just, I mean, it felt long, but yeah, it's pretty close. I walk in. Um, I remember going up to this window. I don't, they said, Who are you here to see? And I said my husband was brought here. So yeah, they said he's in the ICU. They did not let me go back for a couple of hours because they were doing testing on him. Oh, to try and figure out what had actually happened. Okay. Um, and by that time, they had already contacted Queen's Hospital, which is the big hospital in Honolulu, and and had um got in contact with the um neurosurgeon there, and they had already gone over some of the things with there was no brain activity and all of that.

SPEAKER_02: So um they let me know when I came back. And they they my sister-in-law has her friend, uh Diane that lives on the island, and she came and brought me like a blanket and some pillows. It was a very, like, very foggy, a foggy time. I didn't have any, it was just Chris and I. I didn't have my family there or anything. So you're just on vacation. That begun like the actual when it once they did bring me back to the ICU. He was again laying there so peaceful, so tan. He just looked like Chris, just laying there, like, like, when are you gonna wake up?

SPEAKER_02: Right. We gotta go. Like, we our plane leaves and like we're supposed to get on our flight in a few hours. So come on, let's go. Right. Um, didn't realize obviously the magnitude of any of that. I've never really even lost, I mean, my grandparents have died, but I've never ever lost anybody. I did have a girlfriend die of cancer a few years ago, um, but not like this, you know. Right. And so, yeah, the doctor just the neurosurgeon or the neurologist came in and he said he was in contact with the other big hospital.

SPEAKER_02: And um, from what they could tell, because uh then you start getting these phone calls from people saying, My aunt had an aneurysm, she he needs to get to the other hospital, they need to do this other surgery. Then you have other people calling saying, you know, my brother-in-law was brain dead and he got brought back because they did this coil surgery on him. You need to go, so you're having all these overwhelming, oh my gosh, it was so crazy to have all these different different opinions of people telling me what to do.

SPEAKER_02: And I was across the ocean by myself. And the neurologist is at this point saying what to you? He's saying that, you know, from what we can tell and the tests we've done so far, there is no brain activity. Okay. And um, and if we can get him stable and he can he'll stop and he stops going into cardiac arrest, we can take him for the final, like a test to really show what activity is, you know, happening or not. Um, but from every test we've done so far, including the neurolog the a neurosurgeon at the bigger hospital, he has confirmed that most likely there is no brain activity.

SPEAKER_02: And I don't even know if I registered that. Okay. I just knew that I had to get my kids over to Hawaii. I had to get my Chris's parent mom over to Hawaii, his sister's everybody that could come. I was like, Right, if you want to say goodbye, you gotta get here. So you're already realizing that this is I don't know what I realized. He just needed to be. I just knew that I needed to tell people that it wasn't good. Right. And um, I don't even know that I uttered the words like, well, I I do think I said to my sister, or maybe I think um our other girlfriend we were talking about the other day, she said that I text that Chris wasn't gonna make it.

SPEAKER_01: You that's what you texted, that's what you actually text our group. Yeah, I don't know So when I woke up that morning, okay, I had my put my phone on airplane mode, which I never do. Absolutely. Because we were all texting that night and we were laughing, and you guys, you were sending us those cute pictures, and we were laughing about going on vacation with our husbands or not our husbands. Yes. And I woke up and at the thread, you had texted early on that he that he wasn't coming back. And then the thread was no, no, no, like don't say that.

SPEAKER_01: You don't write, and you were like, and that was it was so early on. Yeah, because it was you were like clearly like he something has something bad has happened and he's not gonna he said he's not gonna make it. Yeah. And we're like, no, it would and that's when I saw the whole back and forth with all the other women of yeah, but you like early on, like immediately said that.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because I already knew in my heart, you know. So then it was a matter of navigating, you know, the heartbreak of getting my kids there, um, the heartbreak of getting in touch with Chris's family, um, all of it. I mean, everyone loved Chris. It was it was devastating. So, how do you you you literally just start picking up the phone? Exactly. I think my sister, um, Megan, Megan called took over, called people. She's incredible. Um, I mean, and then my mom was amazing because she had to bring my kids over from Idaho to and it's you know, and when it's easier trip, it's not a freaking easy trip.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I it's not an easy thing.

SPEAKER_01: It's not like you get on a flight in LA and you're there in five and a half hours. So does the doctor at some point come in and definitively say, okay, we've got him stabilized, we went into the final test, he's not coming back. Um, I don't know that he said uh that.

SPEAKER_02: I think they were trying to determine if there was any brain activity at all. And then that would kind of determine like if he had like a chance. But like I think he was telling me you need to get your family over here, basically. Um, if if whoever can come here needs to come here. Oddly enough, the flights were so inexpensive the week of Thanksgiving a year ago and on November of 2024. Um, I don't know who my sister called, but I mean, bless my mom for flying all the way to Hawaii. She had to wake my kids up in the middle of the time, um, tell them to pack a bag.

SPEAKER_02: They did not know what was happening. Um, and she flew with them from, you know, I think uh here to uh San Jose or San Francisco. And then my dad and his wife live um outside in Santa Cruz. So they met up with that flight and then they all flew over. But I think it was like 16 hours that I was in Hawaii just laying, sitting at Chris's bedside, laying with him, like just talking to him. Just I don't know. I mean, we had people from um a I think a Calvary church that had come to see me, that knew my family from Southern California.

SPEAKER_02: They they came in, they prayed, they brought me food, blankets. Um, I don't need I yeah, it's very hard to kind of look back and think about what what happened, but thinking about that I had to have my kids walk down the hall and ICU and and tell them, um, have them come in and know in my heart that that was the last time they were gonna see their dad um was yeah, probably the worst, worse than even losing Chris at this point in my life, you know what I mean? Just having to how do you even say that to your kids like you say long?

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you just um because you can't I I didn't say too much because I really truly didn't know.

SPEAKER_03: Sure.

SPEAKER_02: But knowing that you have to fly on an airplane that far and you you don't know because your mom's not telling you everything because I truly I didn't I didn't know the solid answer yet. Of course. Um They're thinking he has maybe had a heart attack. Yeah, we I mean we yeah, so that's kind of where I left it just for purposes of sanity, nervous system regulation. Um, just get over here and come and be with your dad. Right. And get over here and come and be with your son or your brother or your best friend.

SPEAKER_02: Right. And we had, I think, 16 or 17 people come over and um sit with him, you know, talk to him, lay with him, spend the night with him. Uh, we ended up meeting with the organ donation, the company Legacy of Life Hawaii. Uh, Kim, who led us through that process, was amazing. And he was an organ donor and um saved three lives. And so that's ultimately one of the hardest decisions you can make as a family is to say yes to organ donation because it prolongs the process of your goodbye to your loved one, right?

SPEAKER_02: So there was like an extra three days involved, right? And on the ventilator. Yes. Um, which to me felt like like my brother-in-law could spend the night with him one night. I was able to lay with him an extra night. And yes, I know his body was there, but his soul was not there. But it just was close, it was, you know, just I wanted to lay with him. We tossed, we I talked to him. I told him, you know, just like just all my fears and my everything I could possibly think of. Nervous for the girls, nervous for my future.

SPEAKER_02: Please come back to me. All of that that you could possibly think of. Um, that you do when somebody is on a ventilator and you're awaiting them to go save lives, and then you have to get on an airplane and fly home without them when you flew there with them.

SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01: I don't even like know how you were walking those parallels. I don't I don't I don't know how you do that.

SPEAKER_02: My family and my friends. I mean, yes, I know Kim took incredible care of every single uh admin detail you could possibly think of. Um, set up everything. I mean, my family stuck in. They were incredible, amazing. Yeah. Um, Chris's godparents, you know, would like absolutely will take care of all the carnation. Um, Kim took care of all the admin stuff. Megan booked my flights. Um, you know, my uh my kids had my siblings there plus their aunts and uncles there. And I mean, it was a joy, it was actually just like a very peaceful, joyful time as like a family together, right?

SPEAKER_02: In my opinion. Right. Um yeah, because you're all walking in this tragedy at the same time. It was, yeah, it was so hard, but it was so peaceful and loving, and of all places, like Hawaii is our favorite place on the planet.

SPEAKER_01: It's like the crossover is incredible. And then someone made you all the most beautiful lays.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so for his um, her family lives in Hawaii, and um they made us all um beautiful, real Hawaiian lays. They made Chris the Molly, Molly tea leaf, um, the traditional tea leaf um lay that men wear uh really to signify like celebration. So it doesn't, it can be wedding, it can be fine, but they made him that for his um honor walk. He had an honor walk in the hospital once we walked that really hard walk down the hallway for them to take him into surgery. So that was really difficult. And um every nurse, family member, doctor lines the hallways while we um sent him off into a room and they read a beautiful letter that we wrote about his life because they don't like to do surgery on someone they don't know.

SPEAKER_02: So they wanna the doctors who are actually doing the surgery really want to know who they're working on. So who wrote this letter? We did like our family. Oh, we all wrote it.

SPEAKER_01: So that they read it out loud surgery.

SPEAKER_01: I haven't walked through that. Yeah. But I just like to be able to be in that much grief and to be able to actually honor him in that way, that's exceptional.

SPEAKER_02: I just couldn't imagine. I mean, I feel so grateful that he went so fast and that we didn't have to fly him home and that he's not still in a hospital on a feeding tube or learning to go to the bathroom or a vegetable, or uh the neurosurgeon really explained like even if he had 80% of his brain activity, right? He still would be like physically handicapped for the rest of the minute's life.

SPEAKER_01: And that and that's just not who Chris Chris was so full of life. No, that he was so he's so big and just joyful. He went exactly and for his family to be able to come out and for you guys all to be together. I mean, it was I mean, just looking back at sort of the pictures and the stories, it's the you guys all at the restaurant. I mean, it's just the most incredible time.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and I'm I'm I and I know we were all in such shock, but looking back, I can really appreciate that we all just had each other's backs and we were so supportive and my girls had so much support. And um my sister was my my sisters were there to support me. My brother was there. He you know, once Chris passed, my sister-in-law and my brother took his excuse me, his layout um I'm sorry, I'm talking too much. Um took his layout into uh the ocean. And put you guys all down to the beach. We all went to the beach.

SPEAKER_02: My Lua uh Kylua and went down, and we uh my sister-in-law, um she didn't have a bathing suit, but she found a way to go in. Yeah, and uh my brother uh JB. Yeah, they took his layout and we had like a nice little kind of intimate private ceremony for him on the beach um by ourselves. Which I'm sure he loved. And it was so amazing and so peaceful. And then come to find out later, that particular beach is where um they do let a lot of lays go for people that were, you know, born on the islands, and um, it's a very like spiritual area, and it was one of um our favorite areas to go.

SPEAKER_02: Amazing. So it just all looking back, you know, there's a lot of things that line up um really beautifully for that time. I'm sorry, my throat is drying. Well, I'm sure a lot. Um and so I guess what I can say from that is from that day forward, um, I just told myself that I'm not going to live this life of um sadness and being uh not and just I'm not going to be here on this earth uh living a life that isn't meaningful and isn't helping other people and isn't full of joy, even though it's also full of grief.

SPEAKER_02: Right. And it's like I am so sad that Chris is gone, but I also know that he died so happy. He had a beautiful life. I learned so many lessons in our marriage and in my life with him. Again, I was with him for over half of my life. Right. And I'm going to take those lessons and move forward with um knowing just kind of how to navigate my future, but I will not, I mean, that's why I just take so many pictures and so many videos. Like I will, I committed to myself to absolutely find a little bit of joy in each day of my life and not live in deep grief where I cannot enjoy this very short life that we're given.

SPEAKER_02: Right. And I know not everybody can do that. So I know some people think, I mean, I'm in widow and widower groups. I mentor some widows and widowers already. Um, and some of them, like me, can't get up some days. That is just the way it is. Right. But it doesn't mean that you can't have um a very like successful, meaningful life here on this earth. Like there is a reason that we're here.

SPEAKER_01: Right. And you're very intentional, and you also you have been since the minute you even got landed back in Idaho about saying to people is you're in this deep state of grief and you're also every day gonna still choose joy, and you're always encouraging everyone, including all of us, take the pictures, take the video, do the things, right? Say, say the words, yes, do all of those things, don't hold anything back ever because it's all goes by in a flash. Right? We're all just here for sort of brief periods of time.

SPEAKER_01: So so flash me forward to we're now just slightly over a year, yeah, from you losing Chris, girls losing their dad, family losing son, brother, right, uncles, all all of the things. Where where are you? Where is family? How catch me up on all that?

SPEAKER_02: Um yeah, I think I'm so I'm a yeah, about a little over a year out. Um, I think the first few months were very much I was stuttering a lot. I had a lot of um, which is very normal for grief. Uh, you don't, you have a lot of brain fog, you can't think of things, you certainly can't make any decisions. Um so it just a lot of needing help. And I've had amazing help from all of you, from my family, from my friends, uh food, groceries, donations, money to pay medical bills. Like to have somebody die in another state is an entirely other podcast when you are not in your own state and how much money it costs.

SPEAKER_02: Uh, navigating things like probate, navigating, I mean, it you're really just a robot, right? But I also um still had so much gratitude in my heart. I don't know if that's like um strange or I'm a one-off.

SPEAKER_01: I think that speaks to who you are as a person. And like, and I mean you always have so much gratitude in your heart.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I think mostly I'm a fairly like joyful, you are, and thankful person very much because I don't think that um we should just live a groundhog's day life, which is part of my marriage with Chris too, was he was always like, Okay, can you relax? Like, we're not gonna move to Florida tomorrow. We're not gonna move to Hawaii tomorrow. I know you want to move there. Right. And I was just always very much like, we only get this one life. Like, let's not be on the hamster wheel.

SPEAKER_01: Well, you even, I mean, years ago, right? Is you were always for anyone you met, you were always. I mean, I remember telling you when my middle daughter went to Asia and you're like, she should write, oh my gosh, she could come back and she can encourage other women and she can give relatives. Solo travel. Right, solo travel. And you're always looking to help her light of everyone else's world, right? You had done all the coaching stuff all those years ago. Cause like that's who you are. You know, that's who I need you're constantly doing come alongside immediately, and you're always so supportive and uplifting, and you're always looking for all of this all the specialists in each person and encourage you that.

SPEAKER_01: So the fact that you approach this with that same level of kindness and gratitude and appreciation, I I think that just speaks to who you are. Well, I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_02: And uh, you know, I think that um I just try really hard to be joyful and find something small each day. You know, I do talk about and I've mentored women, like you know, for a few years now. I mentor a group. I have a group of women that um my youngest daughter has Crohn's disease, and I always I I started my kind of mentorship coaching training um because I know I'm supposed to be linking arms with other women and helping them through things like this. Right. Um, when Maddie was diagnosed with Crohn's.

SPEAKER_02: And I uh I created a Facebook group because I was like, we need this group of women to just lean on each other. Right. And I encourage them and they encourage me. And it's just something that I've always worked on. Well, then fast forward to Chris passing away. And oddly enough, I have five other widow friends. I have three widower friends, um, two named Mark, one named Danny. Like we I happen to know all these other people who oddly enough have lost their spouses very recently, just like I have.

SPEAKER_02: Wow. So we've become friends, sure. Close, check on each other, of course, mentor, support. I can cry to them, they can cry to me. I mean, we check on in on each other, all of these things. Um, so I just I'm in this state of gratitude where if if I can't have Chris here, what am I gonna do with the rest of my time here on earth? Um, one, I'm there is an episode that you guys can listen to about kind of how I've handled my grief in terms of uh traveling and kind of pushing some things aside. I don't know if that's the right term or not, but traveling to kind of get through my grief.

SPEAKER_02: Right. That's episode five. Okay, yes. Thank you for being comment on that.

SPEAKER_01: Because exactly how I'm right, which I mean which when you listen to it, it all makes sense and it aligns with so many things. Uh I think normal people, right, is sort of that easy thing you're going through.

SPEAKER_02: And you kind of detach for a bit. Sure. Um, but I have stayed grounded in the sense of um I don't, yes, I like to travel and then I come back and I'm kind of in this weird state for a few days. But I always have gratitude for um my health and my the air in my lungs and my friendships and um the faith I have in the life that is here and beyond. And um that is, you know, my grief has ebbed and flowed over time. But the the biggest factor that comes with grief, especially I think when you lose a spouse or a maybe a child or someone close to you, is that you walk this very uh this very fine line between joy and grief.

SPEAKER_02: And, you know, you you try really hard to stay in the center divider at all times because that allows you to carry both throughout your whole day. And some days you literally will step off into the dark grief side for a while, and some days you'll be overjoyed and joyful, and I'll be driving in my bronco with my top down and forget all about what has happened in my life. Not just a small top, but her like bronze top, like I like her top is on, but the bronchi shirt's old. But uh my the bronco, I have a sop hot bronco just like Hillary does.

SPEAKER_02: And we, you know, yeah, we that's a different episode about traveling with her top off. We put the bronch down, but we mean our broncos. We mean not on the top. I know that anybody would want that. It's uh, you know.

SPEAKER_01: Well, maybe you not double. No, no, right. Those years have sailed. So that is kind of where my story is. And it's kind of how sort of the podcast, this journey, this I mean, yeah. We've been talking about this for a long time, but this honestly kind of came to fruition of the similarities, yeah, and totally different in that losing a spouse is vastly different than let's say going through a divorce. But they are still it's not even a but, it's more of a traumatic, traumatic yours, so traumatic.

SPEAKER_01: Divorce, every it's just it's a shift in your life. And it's that's sort of how we kind of came to this. Yeah. There's so many similarities, uh different levels of grief and different and I it's not to say judging it. It's just uh divorce is just so it it's ongoing and it's kind of like the slow drawn out whether they're really amnicable or not. It's it's a messy thing to go through because you're breaking up a family. Yours, unfortunately, I mean, just tragic.

SPEAKER_02: We we did say that it's uh has a lot of similarities, which it's breaking up a family. Yes. It's um it's tragic. It's relearning. So there are many similar. There's the reload, yeah, and the relearning, relaunching of who we are as women. Like we're not the same women that I'm not the same person I was. Like I say that my old self died with Chris that day a hundred percent. And I feel like with your divorce, you are not that person that you were. So that that I felt like that's why we had such a good um podcast idea because we are different in those ways, but it's so similar.

SPEAKER_02: They're so they're absolutely completely new people. Absolutely. Um and we're walking these paths of thinking that our lives were going to be one way, and they completely tried on its side turtle shell up, let you know, not knowing that this is where we would end up.

SPEAKER_01: Exactly. And I will and you'll hear my story in the next episode. My divorce was a while ago. So I have, you know, hindsight 2020 bird's eye view perspective. But looking back, right, I mean, it was just, you know, it was chaotic and messy and all those horrible things. So so let's flash forward to clinic. You're you're here now, you're I mean, doing I I don't even know how you're doing so incredible. I'd literally I'd still be on the floor.

SPEAKER_02: But you're some days, and I think a good thing to say is yes, no, you I I do call you when I am on the floor and when I can't come over to do a podcast, I say like, nope, I'm in I'm like in my bed. I cannot even fathom getting up. And I allow myself that time to grieve. And I love that because you're so authentic and you're so real. I go then, but then I'm the next day, I'm like, and I uh sometimes it's two days, it's sure three days, whatever it is. Not brush my teeth, and I might stay in the same pajamas, but then it's like, okay, remember, and I do truly believe in training yourself to find joy each day.

SPEAKER_02: If I if we have enough uh brain capacity to focus on negativity or the unknown, we can train our brains also to think about absolutely what if it's amazing, what if it is positive, right? So, and it's not toxic positivity that I'm ever talking about. It's literally training my brain to find something small, like I talk about every day. Whether it's like today, I drank out of my Waikiki um coffee mug. Oh, I love that. And I just felt like called to drink out of that, and it made me so happy this morning.

SPEAKER_02: And there was my joy today. I have many other joyful um moments in my day, but that was the first one. Right. And could I have stayed in bed all day? Well, yes, but I'm I'm here for more than staying in bed. Absolutely. And I don't know that that's everyone, but what I want to do in my life and what I know I'm feel called to do is to help other women realize that if you're in the shit and you're in the middle and you're have a kid with a chronic illness like I also do, or you lost a spouse or a child or a job, it's like, what do what how can I help you to realize that you are supposed to be here for a reason?

SPEAKER_02: These are lessons that you were supposed to learn, and we're going to link arms and life can be really great.

SPEAKER_01: Which actually brings me to what you actually are doing. So kind of catch me up on that part because you've created an entire program about this. Yes.

SPEAKER_02: So I have, you know, always known I wanted to do mentorship. Um, or I always thought I could write a book about my marriage. Um, and then Maddie has her crones. I was like, oh, I could really just do something with helping women, which I do. Um, I'm also in I'm I had my normal job, software sales, and I uh shout out to my amazing um company, and they just have been with me the whole time and I love them to death. They've been such a blessing. Oh, they're just amazing. Um, but my real gifts that I know that I was given given um from God were are um mentorship, linking arms, encouraging women, women, showing women what their best is, showing them how to walk through the fire, because the only way to go through any of this is walking straight through as I know.

SPEAKER_02: Um so yeah, I've been taking courses and I have a mentor who is, I actually have several mentors, um, but um Melanie Ann Lair, my coach, um Kay, I've been taking uh my girlfriend Megan. I'm in a course with her, a program with her right now to kind of figure out who I am again as a woman and uh what it looks like to be out in the world single and not just necessarily dating. I'm talking going to the grocery store by myself, like just sitting at a restaurant by myself, any of those things. Right, you know, that that is a whole new learning process.

SPEAKER_02: Absolutely. So anyway, I have been um taking classes and courses and containers on learning and self-development and all these embodiment um somatic breathing exercises for a couple of years now. So I decided that it's time and I'm going to launch a program called Rise. Yay! Yay! Rise is going to be um I'm a seven or eight-week program that is um going to be a combination of um weekly Zoom calls, uh, homework in terms of uh kind of doing some really deep inner work, uh, working with me one-on-one if if if anybody wanted to, but really just running through a really beautiful, grounding, self-development, uh embodied program that makes you feel like by the end that you really can come back to who you are and why you're here on this earth and what your gifts are, and that life can be really amazing, even in the absolute messy middle of everything.

SPEAKER_02: And that has honestly I've worked on that since before Chris even passed. I was saying this has been in the makes years of the making. Yes, right, because when I was this was what you were always called to do. Absolutely, and you recognize that a while ago to do a TED talk on. I mean, I there's so many things I want to do that I know I'm called to do to help other people. And ultimately, the reason that I feel like I am here on this earth is to um spread like the the skills and the empowerment and the word to other women in this world that they can live a really beautiful life even if they were handed a really shitty deck of cards.

SPEAKER_01: Now I think that's a a great place to sort of maybe close with is how do people get a hold of you?

SPEAKER_02: I mean, yeah. So on Instagram, um, you can click on a link on my Instagram. At the um you can look at there's a link. If you look at the information on this particular podcast about this podcast, um at the very bottom, there's a link that you can get on my waiting list. Um, just reach out to me, chat with me about anything. I mean, I do some one-on-one um hand holding, coaching, empowerment, work with some women individually already, but my program to take a community of women, which I think is so important.

SPEAKER_02: Um, women having community and having girlfriends and having people to bounce ideas and hurts and heartache off of. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01: Is and joy and success and all of all of it all good things as well. Right. All of the good things. Yeah, it's absolutely champion each other, celebrate the wins, all right? All of it. Come on, side, all of it. So, and you'll have on on our WTF just happened Instagram, you'll have the same information linked. Yeah, so the information's linked.

SPEAKER_02: And then um, we talked about possibly doing um a short little podcast just about like the overview of my eight-week program.

SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we definitely need to because I think it's really important for people to know what it is. Yeah, and if someone wanted to reach out and they're going through things, I mean, there's literally no one you couldn't help in the entire world, including myself.

SPEAKER_02: I mean, that's what girlfriends are for. Right, that's what girlfriends are for. But ultimately, my goal would be to just, yeah, like get um, like share my story, share my outlook, um, and empower women to know that they are they have so much in this world that can be offered to them if they just um take some time to learn some things on how to really um find the small joys in each day. Oh, I love that. I love that. Yeah. So that is my story, you guys. Thanks, Larry. And I have some tissue here.

SPEAKER_02: I didn't cry. I do think that uh as I tell my story over and over, I can really give a shout out to my um, well, my girlfriends and my family, of course, but my therapist. Um I did a lot of brain spotting. Um what is that? Remind me what that is. So um, brain spotting, if you guys have heard of EMDR, it's similar. Um, it's a form of taking um any kind of PTSD or traumatic experience that you've gone through, which the hotel experience for me with Chris was very traumatic. Um, even though I say it was peaceful, looking back, it was like a traumatic experience.

SPEAKER_02: So um, brain spotting, you guys can look it up on your own. It's really compartmentalizing the trauma and putting it into a different part of your brain. So instead of it being on the forefront of your brain every time, like laying at night in the middle of the night, I I can think about it and then I can just put it right back away. Or I can talk to you right here about it without bawling my eyeballs out and feeling like I can't get through the sentence. So I've done a lot of work in that area as well, um, which I has absolutely helped me.

SPEAKER_02: What's your collebular? Yeah. So anyway, if you guys want some more information on brain spotting, I can probably send you a couple articles, but uh lots of therapists out there do it. It's it's fairly new, uh, it's in the same realm of EMDR. Okay. Yeah. I don't know what that stands for. Um, it's electro magnetic, yeah, it has to do it's it's basically yeah, like tapping your way while you're listening to some oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02: It's really just the same thing. Putting your trauma in a different box and a different part of your brain so you can function as a human being. Yeah, that sounds incredibly helpful for so many things. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: Well, thank you. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being so honest to everyone out there. Yeah. Please reach out, reach out to Sada.

SPEAKER_02: Yeah, reach out if you guys have questions or you want to know more, if you have, you know, any um, you know, things to share about your own loved ones, or you want to know just some tips and tricks. I'm happy to share what I do on a daily basis. Um, and believe me, it's not all roses, but um, I I absolutely will not waste any of the life that I was given here.

SPEAKER_01: Oh, and and I think that's just a beautiful way to end it. So thanks. Thank you, everyone. We will be back um with another episode. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Midlife Widowhood Guide | Grief, Loss of a Spouse & Starting Over

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