Midlife Boundaries | How to Set Boundaries After 40 Without Guilt

0:03 SPEAKER_02: This is What the F Just Happened.

0:06 SPEAKER_01: The podcast that proves life is messy, midlife is so wild, and laughter is definitely non-negotiable.

0:13 SPEAKER_02: So grab a cocktail or a mocktail or your favorite emotionally supportive snack, and let's get into it.

0:26 SPEAKER_03: Hello everyone, it's Hillary. Welcome back to What the F Just Happened, the podcast where we talked about the moments that crack you open, lick your life upside down, and force you rebuild without a manual.

0:40 SPEAKER_00: Yes, so you guys know we are here for real stories, real growth, uh, and living inside the messy middle, midlife, three reinvention, friendships, and all the things that no one ever warned us about.

0:53 SPEAKER_03: So today we are going to talk about big choices we made in life and realizing we do it all again. But we would do it with boundaries. So our episode title is What the F Just Happened? We do it all again.

1:07 SPEAKER_01: But with boundaries. All with boundaries.

1:10 SPEAKER_03: So this is not a regret episode. This is a learning crew episode.

1:14 SPEAKER_00: So same life that we lived, but looking back at having better rules for ourselves.

1:19 SPEAKER_03: Absolutely.

1:20 SPEAKER_00: So quick recap on my story. Um, yep. So Chris and I got uh, you know, had Layla super young, got pregnant, got married young, uh, decided, you know, to stay through all the ups and the downs and built a life together of over 26 years. Um, so I I guess you could say I chose commitment over and over and over again, but really didn't have a lot of uh tools until I did, until later in my 30s and 40s, um, for boundaries and things I would do different and massive, huge lessons that I learned in my marriage that I am taking forward with me in life, but also teaching my kids and really not living with any regret at all.

2:05 SPEAKER_00: I mean, this was my life path, but what I'm we're what we're talking about in this particular episode is going to be how would we have done something, how would I have done some things differently, but also um no regrets, but what did I learn to take with me into the next half of my life?

2:24 SPEAKER_03: This is, I mean, hindsight always 2020, but there's no regrets. I mean, we wouldn't be where we are today. We wouldn't have the children that we have, we wouldn't have the lives that we have. All of those pieces have to come together to get to the next step.

2:37 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I probably would just, you know, work on choosing myself more in um in my marriage and in my or not in my marriage, just in my life. Sure. But now that I'm, you know, where I'm at now, I take all the things I learned from the first half of my life and implement them into the second half of my life.

2:55 SPEAKER_03: Absolutely. And I, you know, I was married young as well, and um I so insecure. I mean, looking back at my high school and oh the whole baby adulting phase and so insecure. And honestly, it just was probably so hard to look within to even want to know who I was. And I don't even think I ever asked that question. I was just not really sure and kind of just was led like, okay, we're gonna go right when for example I got proposed to. It was like, oh, I didn't even question, is this the person I want to be married to?

3:27 SPEAKER_03: We align. Is this gonna be something that's right that feels good for me in my soul? It was more of right, I looked outside it and I didn't trust my intuition and I questioned it or things came up, I kind of right. That's not that's not what I want to have happen. And the blessing from that is I had the three most incredible daughters, and then I walked through, you know, a really hard period, which taught me so much and launched me to where I was, but my boundaries and learning to have boundaries with myself, with other people, that didn't come until much later in life.

4:02 SPEAKER_03: And I do wish that, and I hope for my girls that I feel like they're doing that now in their 20s, because I feel like they're really are getting they're very clear with their boundaries. Um, they are not gonna do what they don't want to do, and people are not gonna push them around. And no one they're never gonna raise they they're very strong in the choices that they make and the people that they choose to spend time with, and they're and I I I don't know how that and maybe that came from the life that we live.

4:29 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but I certainly didn't have that.

4:31 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. Um also looking back to um again, like no regrets on any marriage stuff, but I it we could really say it was what maybe we weren't taught from our own families, you know. I don't know that my mom taught me how to have boundaries in a relationship because she had her own stuff, you know, growing up, or um, in her first marriage, or you know, um it and I don't think it was really like boundaries weren't really talked about in that generation.

5:03 SPEAKER_03: I don't like that because I think you're just being raised and I know for mine, I mean, you're just a child, right? And you're doing what everyone else says. Right. So I guess the question would be, and I haven't really thought about this before, is all when when does that happen for people normally? Because I didn't happen to me until I was probably in my mid to late 30s, where I thought, I'm done being a people pleaser, I'm done being a dormat. This isn't working for me. I'm doing I'm doing things like I will be generously now because I want to.

5:35 SPEAKER_03: I'm not looking for any type of accolades or any type of right, oh, like any shout outs. I'll do that because that is what makes me that that fills my heart. It fills my cup. Back then, I was doing it because I was looking outside of myself for validation and for acceptance, appreciation. And I wasn't doing things for a reason. But how do you like I don't know, how do you get at what point I think our kids, my girls are very specific and they were raised maybe differently by me, where they just grew up having them.

6:08 SPEAKER_03: Like no is no. And but I don't remember when we were younger being raised in that environment.

6:14 SPEAKER_00: You just sort of listen and you Yeah, I think you listened and then but you also, you know, that's where some of the conversations come in about you know, respecting your elders. You kind of just sat there and you did what you were told and you had to interact with, you know, you I guess I feel like what I'm what I look back on in my marriage was there was a lot of burnout. And because there were no boundaries, right? And when I learned boundaries, I read this really great book called Boundaries, um, which it's still, I think, a New York Times bestseller.

6:47 SPEAKER_00: And you were how old when you did this? Uh in my twenties, like late 20s, I think. Um, and I I think it's a Christian book. I'm not really I think I can't remember if we did like a so it doesn't have to be like a religious thing. It was just any book on boundaries, I think, is so helpful for anybody in their, you know, early, early, I mean, even late teens, early twenties. If I could have learned the skills besides the F off that I know now in my uh late teens, even to relationships or friendships or anything, uh, I think I would be better off.

7:19 SPEAKER_00: But what what I do know now is that I do have pretty good boundaries with a lot of aspects of my life. And I am, I don't know that I necessarily taught my girls how to have it at an early age, but I am teaching them now. So yes. So what I do is, you know, I just go through certain scenarios with them or for even the last years I've been doing it. Sure. Whether it's like, hey, can you help me respond to a text message or how do I handle this friendship issue? Or um, but they are learning that they don't always have to say yes to anything they don't want to say yes to.

7:54 SPEAKER_00: Exactly. So that is a that's a great boundary. And I'm talking even at their jobs, even at, you know, learn to not overwork yourself. Yeah. And learn, I mean, then we can get into a whole nother topic of like work-life balance and what uh our kids' generation thinks work-life balance is definitely versus generation X is work-life balance.

8:16 SPEAKER_01: Well, that wasn't even a word. There wasn't a weaker word, yeah.

8:20 SPEAKER_03: I will say, I mean, I know that for my oldest who uh she got a text, and I want to say it was maybe it was Sunday morning, not a day that she worked, or maybe it was a work day, but I I don't know what it was. She had gone to bed, done something at a late event, had gone to bed, and then missed a late text, let's say, from her then boss, and then didn't realize it until like let's say, you know, you're it like probably seven, eight o'clock in the morning. And then she responded and he was upset with her for not having responded.

8:53 SPEAKER_03: And she was that's hard with work, and you're that age. And that's the thing is she is uh very good with her boundaries, and she was very clear that just because the text was sent after hours, that it did not warrant a response from her immediately because she was sleeping, and that it was the way that she phrased it, I was so proud of her because it was very much a this was your thing. That doesn't translate into my thing. Your fire, which it was not, was not my fire that I have to respond to. Just because you decided to elevate this issue, which could have been dealt with at during the business day at whatever time it was at night, that she wouldn't have seen it.

9:35 SPEAKER_03: And I was so proud of her. And I thought to myself, oh my gosh, you are 25, and I didn't figure this out until I was probably like, you know, 15 years older than this.

9:43 SPEAKER_00: And I do feel like there's been a pretty big shift in the whole like um text messaging world. And I would say, like, to me, I feel like the last, I don't know, maybe three to five years where texting was so new, right, in the beginning, yeah, that you felt so obligated to respond to every message right away. I do feel like there's been like a relaxation in society with not feeling obligated to. I mean, sometimes I'm even really bad that I haven't responded for a couple of days to people on certain things.

10:16 SPEAKER_00: Um, but I don't feel it, it just seems like it's like more um, it's okay now, kind of if you don't get right back to somebody, which is great.

10:24 SPEAKER_03: Do you ever do this sometimes where I telepathically respond? Yeah, or I type it in the chat and I forget to press send.

10:31 SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I always in a or I press it, but it like, you know, like you think you press it because you're hello again in a hurry unless and you're not realizing it hasn't gone through.

10:40 SPEAKER_03: I'm always really amazed that people have read receipt thought. I it blows my mind.

10:46 SPEAKER_00: It blows my mind. Why? I mean, I don't know why people do. Maddie has it on, which I I kind of actually don't I but I as the as the receiver, no, as the giver of the text, I appreciate it. Because you know that they saw it. Yes, but I I don't know why people have that on.

11:03 SPEAKER_03: Why? Like, why I would I would that would stress me out if I had that on. Well, yeah, if Maddie brings a text, I'm like, why aren't you responding to me? Yes. And so I mean, I I'm always astounded of who in my world has that on. Because I think to myself, why do you need to I think I know two people that have it on, and Maddie's one of them.

11:21 SPEAKER_00: I would love to know why. Yeah, I'm gonna ask her. Maybe and some people maybe don't re I think my mom might have it on now, but she didn't used to. Um, but I I appreciate it as the sender, knowing that they read it, but then you also have to give grace because you could read it and not respond right away and then forget.

11:38 SPEAKER_03: You might who knows what they're doing, but that's it. Is I wouldn't want that on because that would cause me a level of stress to think that I have to then respond right away. And honestly, like, you know, there's moments now where I get an email. Like I got an email from a client this morning. I you'd want to check your throat punch though.

11:55 SPEAKER_00: Do you check your email? You have to check your email. Oh, really?

11:58 SPEAKER_03: I wasn't even checking my email because it comes up on my phone. And it was just one else where I thought, yikes. Like this. So what if you did put your boundary up with that? You can't. Oh, I did put my boundary up, but there was no boundary in the question that was being asked. I get it. People can ask you. No, I'm saying, what if you didn't check, you didn't even check until Monday? You can't do that, right? I know I a hundred percent could do that. Oh. I could a hundred percent do that. That's a good boundary.

12:22 SPEAKER_03: I just chose, exactly. I just chose it. This wasn't that big of a deal. It was just more that it was Saturday morning and I hadn't had coffee. Probably a little bit like, you know, don't bug me, Saturday morning. It wasn't even, it wasn't even like a part email. It was just a a question that was just like, oh my god, are you seriously asking this? But I did respond with, hey, very respectfully, I hear you, I understand what you're asking. It's Saturday. The answer is no. Yeah. Okay, there. There you go.

12:48 SPEAKER_03: Literally my favorite word. And I will use it. Well, no as a complete sentence. No period. No, period. But yeah, I just I don't but I think that that took me a long time to get figured. I'm always thinking I am anyway, kind and respectful. And but yeah, it's just but no, you're absolutely right. I did not need to respond. Yeah. I don't. I don't work I don't live in a 24-7 world. I choose to do that because I absolutely love what I do and I love my client, I love my company. And normally on the weekend, I mean, it doesn't matter.

13:16 SPEAKER_03: I just, you know, doing my thing, fiddling around. I can easily respond to a client if they've got a question. But you know, there are those moments where you're like, oh my God, this is a hard this is I'm gonna put a hard line in the sand. This is ridiculous.

13:29 SPEAKER_00: Yeah.

13:29 SPEAKER_03: So but yeah, it took me a long time to get there.

13:31 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. So I mean, we we touched on kind of both of our I didn't go too much into like my marriage and what I learned to put up boundary-wise in my marriage, but um, and that that could be like a whole other episode of uh of just um you know, when you're married uh five years, ten years, twenty years. I think that would be a really good episode as well. Like the changes. Just the changes and you change and you know, learning about each other. But um, what about like what about friendship boundaries over the years?

14:00 SPEAKER_03: Oh, I would say that's interesting, especially because we've moved. And so I have my only just a very few friends from where I lived and grew up. Um, I've got my girlfriends from where I was raised, and I used to talk to maybe like one or so that were in in constant touch, and it's just a friendship that you can not talk for a year and then pick up the you know phone and it's like you know, yesterday. So there's a few of those, but friendships are interesting because I've moved. And so when we moved to Oregon, I couldn't make friends.

14:34 SPEAKER_03: It was just I the only friends I honestly I had two friends in Oregon. One is Amy, who's come on, who's our medical aesthetic friend. We know that's her. Love her. She owns medical rejuvenation in Gladstone, Oregon, and she's phenomenal. And so if you ever have the chance, if you live in Oregon or you want to fly into Oregon, look her up. She's incredible, does a bunch of stuff, and she'll be a reoccurring guest on our and we do have her on episode. She's on episode four, and she'll be on other ones coming up.

14:59 SPEAKER_03: She's amazing. On horror. So she was my neighbor, and I was so lucky to meet her because she's incredible, just the funniest freaking person. And then I was able to meet another woman who we haven't stayed in touch since I moved, other than just little Facebook stuff here and there. But she would be someone I could sit down at lunch with and would pick up the pieces. She's a funny, adorable. But then moving here, right, is friendship is friendship. I have found, and I would say I'd say a series, actually.

15:25 SPEAKER_03: It's a series that we're gonna do. I think it's important because women need friends, and it's not the quantity of friends, it's the quality of friends. And I would reference it, it's not easy.

15:38 SPEAKER_00: I think that any friendship that you have arguments in definitely is an is a friendship that should should end, in my opinion.

15:47 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I would say I have a friendship that ended recently, a year ago, and we didn't even argue. It was those um quiet, and this was a boundary, which I didn't listen to. It was those quiet, you hang up the phone, and the ace of the phone conversation. Oh and tiring because so tiring and so repetitive. Friendship should be on negativity. Yes. And they shouldn't be based on history. No, they're not based on history, they're about peace. And about, and that is where I would say that's one of my friendships that I've let that I've let go.

16:24 SPEAKER_03: And I'm so thankful for that friendship for the period of time that it was. And I realized looking back that moving to a new place, and people maybe relate to this when you've moved somewhere new and you're having to make new friends, is sometimes you settle for things that don't align with who you are. And even though I got really good at my boundaries on some things in let's say my 30s, later 30s, this one I did not hold a boundary to. And I should have, and it would have, I think, saved me. I mean, I learned so much from it, but I also like think that I look at what we have now, we were just talking about is the girl gang that we have is easy.

17:02 SPEAKER_03: It's that's a lot of money. It should be easy. And it's uplifting and it's kind. And it works all both it works both ways across the board. Yes, everyone wants everyone to do well, yes, and be successful, yes, and to be happy. Yes, and that's it. And that's I think so. That I would say I've not done an amazing job with um as far as having holding a line with boundaries, friendships when they weren't when it wasn't feeling good. And it and I'm not saying it always has to be easy, right? Because I think to be really good friends, I think you should be able to have work through some things.

17:33 SPEAKER_00: You should be able to work through disagreements or you know, whatever that looks like. But I'm talking like arguments and fights to me. I mean, I no, I can that should never that that to me is just a red flag.

17:45 SPEAKER_03: And toxic negativity, yes, completely red flag. Agree. When it is you are being right, when you're being broken down to where only the negative things are being highlighted, not worthy.

17:56 SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna have uh yeah, some episodes on friendships because our entire friendship group moved from um deep roots in California uh to where we live now in Idaho. We all met each other here, and we're going to talk about the journey of how we met and what it was like to move to a new place and not have any friends, or to align yourself when you first move somewhere with a group that doesn't is great for that season, yeah, but doesn't necessarily align for your entire, you know, life. Like it it's just not the puzzle piece that you're looking for.

18:34 SPEAKER_00: Right.

18:34 SPEAKER_03: And I think it's okay because you also learn if you realize in that, right, that right, that there's clarity and that you can then still like people. And I've got some friends within that, let's say, segment group who I absolutely adore and I absolutely love and I love spending time with, and they're wonderful people, and they're people I still would want to stay connected to. But when other pieces of, like you said, the puzzle don't fit, don't make them fit. Totally. It just means that it was whatever the period you were in, it's okay to put that period at the end of that sentence and move on.

19:09 SPEAKER_03: Move forward. That's great to be for kids. And try and find exactly and try and find other people that you really are aligned with. So and not to think hard, right? Because I mean, you think, oh, I I don't know. I mean, I used to have a ton of friends when I was in high school and college, and I'd look back and for whatever the reasons were, you move, you have different stages, some had kids earlier, we had kids later, or you just kind of write, you then become friends with or COVID happens and political issues happen, and then people don't want to be like silly and stupid.

19:40 SPEAKER_00: I know.

19:41 SPEAKER_03: That we won't we won't touch tonight, but but yeah, I think that yeah, I think that's a good I think it's a boundaries, you have to have boundaries in your friendships. They're just as important with any other relationship.

19:50 SPEAKER_00: Yeah. Um how about um, you know, mm boundaries in, you know, what we talked about in another episode having to do with, you know, self-care and taking care of yourself, like self-care and movement. Um I think it's trying really hard, really hard to create good boundaries for myself in 2026 to work out not to be smaller or not to be, but truly to have art long longevity and art health. Yes. Would I do I want my ass to be a little higher? Yes.

20:28 SPEAKER_03: Oh my gosh, where does why I don't know what the hell did I say that to my trainer, Paige? What thing will happen? I adore her and is like 23 and her body is amazing, and her butt is like exactly where it's supposed to be. It's perfection. And I'm like, is this ever and she's just adorable. I'm so honest. And she said no. She said no? No. I mean, so why did we even do it? No, I mean, I can get it's stronger, but it's not going to lift itself back into a 20-year-old position. Right, right, right.

20:58 SPEAKER_03: It's called gravity, right? Hot my face. God, my face. Why would the rest of me not fall? Yes, I I agree. But I think that I think that for me, because I'm not one that joyfully works out. I know that my sister has always used working out to alleviate a high level of stress as she's an attorney, and it's a very stressful job. I mean, her job, I laugh because my job is, you know, I'm not not cutting anyone open. Yes. And I'm not, right? She's got she her job being in the legal field, there's a lot on the line of what you're doing.

21:31 SPEAKER_03: And what you're saying and what you're saying, and who you're representing and people's lives than on the line.

21:41 SPEAKER_03: What's the word I'm looking for? Um accountability for your life, for your people, for your career. I mean, if I write what I do when I'm in sales, but at the end of the day, if it's the transaction doesn't happen, no one is going to be able to do that. No one's going to I mean it's maybe frustrating. No one's losing millions of dollars. Yeah. No one's losing a limp. Yeah. And so right. It's so it's one of those where Yeah, so for me, I'm not I don't joyfully wake up and you can probably cut the whole part out, but I don't joyfully wake up and go to the gym.

22:12 SPEAKER_03: I go to the gym because I need to do it because I don't want to get into my 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, cross my fingers, yeah, and not have a body that moves gonna get me. Yes, hurts. And I wanted to do that. And here's the thing I do know that.

22:29 SPEAKER_00: Like this last year, not really. This last year that I'm gonna do. Okay, that's fine. That's fine. But I do know that in my mind. I'm on my couch. I'm working. I I do truly tell myself like get your boundary going so you can like move your body and have heart health. That's where I think so many people have trouble with this particular segment of self-care and movement, is because it is so much easier said than done. And you know, I there is a book called Atomic Habits that I probably should read.

23:03 SPEAKER_00: I need to reread that. It's a great book. Yeah. Just to kind of get myself back in the mode of habits of um, yeah, taking care of myself. But it also means creating boundaries, which in turn means getting off my phone, uh, not watching, you know, um Emily in Paris, like getting my, you know, do putting something else first before. So that would be my reward, I guess, you know.

23:25 SPEAKER_03: Yeah. Or do not why you're doing it, right? Watch Emily in Paris while you're on the bike or on the bike, yeah. Whatever you're doing, or do right. Um, there's many ways to put those things together. Yes. So I would say the boundary of right having health care. First of all, I mean, we're the only ones in our bodies. So the first thing that we should do is have a boundaries for ourselves.

23:44 SPEAKER_00: You're I mean, that's what they say. Our body's a temple. We should treat it as such, but it's definitely easier said than done when you like hard yummy food and yummy drinks.

23:53 SPEAKER_03: Well, but those and all everything's a balance. Of course. Everything. I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm certainly not one here to say yummy food is yummy food. I'm looking at some kisses across the way from me and they're delicious. I do feel like I need a piece of chocolate. Right, everyone needs a little piece of chocolate, but yeah, I would say you start with yourself. So that's a good boundary to have. And I right, I do my plotties, I go to the gym. Basically, I meet a girlfriend. So if one of our best friends wasn't ability, is we laugh our way through the whole thing.

24:21 SPEAKER_03: Yes. Would I go by myself? Maybe you would, but would it be a lot less fun? A hundred percent. Yeah. So yeah, bounce. I look forward to going because I know I'm gonna see her. Yes. So I love that you guys have that time. And we want you to join us because we would have been a buttercut. Maybe I will. Okay, so financial, financial boundaries. Okay, yeah. What do you think?

24:39 SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm working really hard in that area actually right now. Uh Chris did, you know, most of our finances. And yeah, it's it's something I'm learning to uh have boundaries with, yeah, spending or, you know, yeah, that's definitely something that I'm working on learning myself because Chris did a lot of it for us.

25:01 SPEAKER_03: I know you sort of you're not avoiding, you're like actually doing all of it. And what do you mean?

25:06 SPEAKER_00: So I mean I was an avoider, right? Oh, I mean, I finally have uh uh Kendra, my financial planner, who's amazing, and she's yep, helping me get my life together and uh get some some things in order for my future, but avoiding for the last year, yes, absolutely.

25:24 SPEAKER_03: Well, it has to mean you also I think you get to give yourself praise for this last year for all the different things.

25:29 SPEAKER_00: Yes. You were thrown into yeah, so I don't know. That was a hard one for me because I'm I'm just learning, but I do know I'm going to be needing to learn some boundaries on spending and saving and investing, and and I still want to go be able to go do fun things with you guys and and travel. So you can't have it all, but also I work, I'm going to work and I am a hard worker in general, but work really hard so that I can have the things I want. Yeah. And even if I had a ton of money, I still would need to have if if I win the$1.5 billion lottery tonight, I still have to uh, you know, we stopped have boundaries or it can all be gone.

26:06 SPEAKER_00: Like all those stories about the people that win the lottery. Right.

26:09 SPEAKER_03: And the money goes away. That's crazy to me. I mean, I at least I hope they had a really good time spending it. But yeah, I would say that for me, financial peace now for me equals emotional peace because the financial rub that was whipped out from under me that took me to the ground was so traumatizing that one of the best parts of rebuilding a life when you're thrown into that, whether you choose to, or let's say you're thrown into it unwillingly, is to have that is it's actually, I mean, you're gonna get to this point, I think, where it's actually really fun, where you're like, oh my gosh, right?

26:43 SPEAKER_03: Look at how much money I've saved. Yes, how much money I've got invested. Yes, right? It's like you can see all of it. My whole thing and my joke, and it's not so funny, it's kind of dark, is well, I better fucking be able to use it. That's the thing, right? If I'm not using it, I'm gonna tell you I am going to have a very long talk with the big man, yeah, or woman. I don't know who you are, but it's really gonna make me mad.

27:06 SPEAKER_00: That's the thing. I feel like there has to be some discipline, but also there has to be fun. It is a balance. No, I think no, we're we always, yeah, we do plenty, but like thinking about my parents or whoever, like you work again, you work your whole life, you save your money, you hardly go on any vacations, and then now you're in retirement, and it's like, you know, it yes, that's what you work so hard for, but did you have fun along the way? You have to create memories. Did you create um memories for your kids, for your family?

27:39 SPEAKER_00: That is so important. Right. I agree. You know, so yeah, I I think that that's um something that, yeah, I will be on the financial boundaries journey in the upcoming years, and I will uh I'll report back. Or there will be signs, like you know, when I'm on my my yacht in the Caribbean, you'll know I'm doing okay. Or I'm on my robo in the Boise River. That means I'm not doing okay. Okay, okay. Or you're just in the Boise River, or I'm just in out of an inner tube. In an inner tube. Yeah. Actually, that I rented from Anne Morrison Park or whatever it's called to float the river once a year.

28:15 SPEAKER_00: That I actually don't even enjoy. I I hate it. Yeah. A lot of it's a good idea. Please don't if you're on here, don't please don't ask me to float the Boise River.

28:22 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I know. It's not it's not a lot of fun. Okay, yeah. So financial boundaries, I think it's it's something unfortunate. It's something everyone has to do. Yeah. And it can be fun, right? I agree. It has to have a balance of fun with it. It has to be enjoyable. Because we all have to live our lives. Yeah, so but it it definitely I feel like when you have it, it does bring some type of love with peace. Because then you're not suspect. And I don't even care if it's putting five dollars a month away.

28:44 SPEAKER_03: It doesn't matter, it doesn't have to be some big amount. It's just knowing that you've got something for let's say the future and working on that. So absolutely.

28:52 SPEAKER_00: And we will have an episode on that.

28:53 SPEAKER_03: We're gonna absolutely have an episode on women and finances. Um, it will probably be a series because it's so important.

29:00 SPEAKER_00: So, okay, so what would we do differently? Okay, so we're we recap, we we talked about a little bit about our marriages, our friendships, self-care and movement, financial boundaries. Um, what would we do different? What would I do differently overall um in my in my actual life from the prior 48 years? I I would definitely work on uh trusting this the second brain, which is your gut, right? Work on that more. Yep. Um, I would work on, yeah, I just think I would like how we're encouraging our own kids now, work on learning boundaries early.

29:38 SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't, I think boundaries actually the word make people kind of a little bit put off. Yeah. Like you're like not, maybe if you are a controlling type person, a boundary really is not great to hear, right? Yeah because you want to be in control, but a boundary it is so healthy. And like you said, if the other person doesn't accept your boundary, that's on them. Absolutely. Um, and it you know, it can be, I I just think I wish I would have learned, and I did read that book, I should read the book again, but for me now, what is important to me is I have all the lessons that I'm going to go forward with.

30:14 SPEAKER_00: I know I don't give a shit about a lot of things I used to anymore in terms of mountains on a mole, like small things. Yeah, but also teaching my kids the boundaries of everything that we just talked about. Um and you that you don't have to overexplain things. You do not have to overexplain. There is a funny meme. We you did talk about a meme on our last episode, and there is one, and I do know where it is. And I'm going to my girlfriend Hillary, who's my therapist girlfriend, she'll be on the podcast at some point.

30:42 SPEAKER_00: She sent it to me, and it is so freaking funny about overexplaining. And I'll I'm gonna botch it if I go into it. I will just drop it into the into the notes of this podcast. But it basically is about a woman holding the door for somebody else. And you know those times when you hold the door for someone and the person's like not quite ready to come through the door and they're like a little bit far away, but you hold it anyway, and then you as the person feels like you you feel like you have to hurry up and get through the door because the person's holding it, even though you might not be ready to leave.

31:14 SPEAKER_00: It's basically that meme. And then the lady who's holding the door is realizes and takes the energy on of the person who's trying to hurry and isn't ready to leave. Right. So she's over-explaining herself of why she's holding the door open. And it's a whole thing. And so Hillary and I were busting up because how we've all done that, right? Absolutely. Not even just whole, but we've over-explained things where you literally want to freaking hand over your mouth, like shut up. Why do you keep talking?

31:45 SPEAKER_00: Whether it's nerves or whatever it is, but you don't need to overexplain. That is a boundary that I actually am still working on because I'm a talker in general, but that is so good to learn to not overexplain, even in a text message. Agree. Yeah. No is a complete sentence. Period. Period. And then leave sooner when piece is gone. Oh, you know, like what's the what's it called when you uh do the is it the Italian goodbye? Was where you go um like it's where you just disappear. The German goodbye or the Italian goodbye.

32:16 SPEAKER_00: It's like on a meme as well. Clearly, I need to get off my phone. Um, it it's basically like when you leave without saying goodbye to anyone and you just like slip out and the Irish, Irish, Irish. I'm sorry, I couldn't think of the German, the Russian, the Italian, the Irish. It's the Irish exit that you just don't even say anything and then I'm not saying that that's the best way to leave, but I'm saying that that's not a bad way. It's not a bad way, and it's a good way to just get out and get in your car and get into bed and do your dummies.

32:45 unknown: Exactly.

32:46 SPEAKER_00: The Irish goodbye, guys.

32:48 SPEAKER_03: The Irish. I always one of um one of our favorite people in the world who is was part of our friend group that we traveled with. Always at I mean, we wouldn't even know, and it was just where did that where did that person go? Off to bed. Off to bed. Oh. It was the and because the party was at their house. Is that what you're saying? Whenever we were traveling, it's a b oh traveling. Where is this person? Uh huh. It was the Irish fac. It was hysterical. Oh, that's hysterical. And also, it's like one of our, I mean, you know, he's just a phenomenal person and fun, but it's really funny because it happened every single time and we would always laugh.

33:18 SPEAKER_03: Like every night you're like, it's a groundhog day. How does this still catch us off guard? That's hysterical. I mean, and of course I do then you just never see the person again. Yeah.

33:26 SPEAKER_00: I do agree you should graciously thank your hosts and all that. And I will always teach my kids that. But a good Irish goodbye once in a while is not bad. Not bad. Okay, so three things. Cross yourself sooner. Yes. Stop overexplaining. Meaning, listen to your second gut, your inner, your gut for boundaries. Like, I think that can really tell a lot about when you're sending a text, when you're gonna have the hard conversation, when you can't decide if you're going to a place out of guilt because you're so overly tired, or that you just need to rest your body.

33:59 SPEAKER_00: Like listening to that second brain is something I wish I learned sooner. Yeah, just listen, right? Yeah.

34:05 SPEAKER_03: You're in our your inner voice. We all have stop overexplaining which I just did. So trust yourself sooner. Stop overexplaining and leave when your peace is gone. Yes. Yeah, and that's all okay.

34:15 SPEAKER_00: So what are the things that we wouldn't change? Uh, it wouldn't change my experiences with all of my my life, my friendship, my path. I mean, I truly wouldn't ever and I I don't expect to change anything going forward because I know that whatever's going forward is also my path and lessons I will learn. But I will take the love, the friendships, the growth, the people who shaped me from the prior 48 years, and like tuck it all in my pocket and keep walking forward in life and pull those out when I need a reminder, when I need a lesson, when I need to remind myself of boundaries.

34:52 SPEAKER_00: But yeah, it's all lessons and learning. It's all lessons, right? And the growth that comes from all of the lessons.

34:57 SPEAKER_03: Yeah. So right, we wouldn't we wouldn't be where we are without a whole history behind. Okay. So there's our TED Talk on Boundaries tonight, guys. TED Talk on Boundaries. So yeah. So basically, you don't need a new light, you just need new boundaries.

35:11 SPEAKER_00: Exactly. Same heart, better rules for yourself. And that is it. So thank you for joining us. I hope you guys learned a little bit from us on on what we would do in our past, you know, our previous years of life and what we're going to do moving forward. But boundaries is so key. We will see you next time. Thank you guys.